Day: June 24, 2011

You Missed It: Another Boston win edition

It’s nearly five. You’re nearly out of work. Here’s that little something to help kill the time before you get out for the weekend. It always seems like Fridays during the summer are longer than those in any other season. I deal with it by drinking on the job. I’d recommend that for you, too, but then no one would read us anymore. If you were busy asking if Fort Knox still has all of its gold this week, odds are you missed it.

The last of the guys nicknamed “Whitey”
After being on the run for 16 years, infamous Boston mobster James “Whitey” Bulger was arrested by federal authorities this week, in connection to charges pending since 1995, when he was the leader of the Sugar White Hill Gang. The Irish gangster was already famous before being depicted by Jack Nicholson in The Departed, but authorities had failed to track him down. Suspected sightings had him in cities all over Europe, so of course he was found in … Santa Monica, California! Apparently in senior communities, no one thinks it’s odd if you pay your rent in cash.

“The liberals are coming! The liberals are coming!”
Conservative radio pundit Rush Limbaugh is launching his own line of iced teas, because El Rushbo has a mouth to feed, you know. The Two If By Tea brand will of course feature Limbaugh’s face and have a patriotic theme, in case you didn’t get the Henry Wadsworth Longfellow reference, and warn against liberals. No, really. Limbaugh’s more like the Sons of Liberty than Revere in this case, because Samuel Adams and company actually wanted people to buy their smuggled tea, rather than the legal, taxed kind sold in port. No word on whether Limbaugh plans to dress up like a Mohawk Native American.

End of story
In case you were wondering, Kim Kardashian’s butt is all-natural. She’s apparently been accused of having some sort of surgery to make it look bigger, so she went to get her but X-rayed to prove it to the world. In other news, my butt is also 100% real.

We just hope it has 10 fingers, 10 toes and four penises

Gallup conducted a special poll to confirm whether or not American parents’ preference for boys has changed since the 1940s. It has not.

But, what is fascinating is how those preferences skewed slightly depending on demographics. Younger respondents wanted boys. College-educated people and liberals wanted girls.

And after those genetic dice are rolled and you start to hate your spouse? Divorced parents were more likely to split custody over sons, but couples with daughters were more likely to divorce, period.

What the poll forgot to mention is that, no matter what you get, they will pee on your stuff.

Cocaine is a helluva disease

I’ve heard from people both famous and not famous that getting high on cocaine is a fantastic high. Life feels amazing, you feel great and people look better. Sure, the come down is rough, but when the high is that great, what could make you want to not do the drug?

A flesh-eating disease would usually rank as one of the options, at least, I would think.

Said disease has begun appearing in outbreaks in New York and Los Angeles. It’s being reported that the cocaine is being mixed with levamisole, a drug normally used by vets to treat farm animals, and thanks to the skin-rotting effects of the drug, users are seeing their skin turn black with dying skin. Oh, and one last wonderful tidbit: over 80 percent of the country’s coke supply has the veterinarian drug in it. So there’s that.

Snort well, people.

Roughly seven days later

There’s no easy way to break such shocking news. When your worst fears are realized, you just have to come out and say it: the city government of Leicester, England has been overrun by zombies, in what is believed to be a targeted attack by the undead.

The horde of the walking dead shuffled toward the city council building while the council was in session. Once they got there, they menacingly pressed themselves against the glass at the entrance. Latest reports are that the zeds have no yet made it inside, but come on, it’s glass. That’s not going to hold.

And we only have ourselves to blame. A week earlier, a concerned citizen forced the government, through a Freedom of Information Act request, to admit it was unprepared should the dead rise. The zombies watch the news, apparently, and exploited the admitted weakness.

Dear Leicester City Council,

Can you please let us know what provisions you have in place in the event of a zombie invasion? Having watched several films it is clear that preparation for such an event is poor and one that councils throughout the kingdom must prepare for.

Please provide any information you may have.

Yours faithfully,

Concerned Citizen

[via DB]

QUEENSBRIDGE!

For those of you who try your best, but can’t avoid the NBA, we have more news involving our favorite psycho Ron Artest. Or, should we say, the soon to be named Metta World Peace.

That’s right folks, the guy who took on all the Detroit Piston fans, then pursued an ill-fated rap career wants his last name to be World Peace. There is no punchline, there is no joke, sadly this is real news.