Day: June 27, 2011

The McBournie Minute: We’re all gonna die

In case you didn’t feel your life flash before your eyes today, the world nearly ended, because of an asteroid that passed pretty close to the Earth. OK, well it may not have ended the world, but I’m pretty sure that’s the same thing the dinosaurs thought before the asteroid that caused the flood that killed everyone but Noah and his family.

Folks, we live in the end of times, at least that’s what I keep hearing on the television. I am convinced that the world is going to end, or at least the world as we know it, because we keep coming up with new ways to end it all, from terrorists, to E. coli, to kudzu.

And honestly, I’m getting pretty sick of it. Either end the world already or shut up about it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We’re all gonna die

We call pandas#@t on those numbers

It’s been 10 years, and you all know what that means: it’s time for another panda census in China. Just like here in the U.S., certain elements are afraid to comply with the once-a-decade count, even if an undercount could mean a drop in state support for panda services.

So, what is the Chinese government to do? Does a bear crap in the woods? Unfortunately for paranoid pandas, yes, they do. And China’s gonna count your turds.

In Other News: Anti-census crusader Michelle Bachmann wants you to know that she is not a flake, just a serial killer.

Maybe next time they don’t accept PayPal?

We all crave the comeuppance of snooty people. They stand there with their noses turned up, pinky-fingers circling around and going on and on with a HARUMPH. It’s palpably delicious when their plans go awry and end up being hoisted with their own petard. For example:

Two ageing professors accused of running a sophisticated prostitution web site appeared to have one goal: they wanted to create a place where respected men like themselves could go for sex without having to worry about getting caught up in street stings.

The problem is that the internet doesn’t discriminate: it hates everyone and their attempts at circumventing the law equally. As such, when you try to provide a service for other old white dudes like yourself, prepare to see yourself on the wrong end of the law, even if the sting in question is of the internet kind.

Now, I’ve not been able to find a single story that details what the two men were professors of, but it’s safe bet that they’re not in charge of the business or IT departments.

The emperor has no transport

Illegal immigration is not really an issue for New Zealand. Here in the U.S., we give the illegal immigrants we catch a free ride back to their home country. No such luck for one penguin.

A juvenile emperor penguin swam all the way to New Zealand, washing up on the shore and basically just hanging out. Luckily, New Zealanders don’t recognize the emperor’s authority over them, and refuse to give him a ride back to Antarctica. This basically means he’s going to die sometime in the next few weeks.

Well done, New Zealand! The penguin death pool is now open.