Day: June 29, 2011

Take it from Snee: An open letter to Fox News

Hey, Fox News. You can deny reading this on as many segments as you want, but we both know that isn’t true. For the highest rated cable news network–thanks to Osama Bin Laden–it’s pretty obvious that you’ve got some self-esteem issues.

For the past two weeks, we’ve watched you take a more active role in what had previously been Jon Stewart’s nipping at your heels. In terms of rivalries, The Daily Show is to Fox News what the Baltimore Orioles are to the New York Yankees. They’re only in the same division based on a technicality, and hate them as much as you want, but the Yankees aren’t going to lose this fight, much less their house.

Yet, here we are, and you’re not looking good. You never really look “good,” but you used to fight presidents and ACORNs, not comedians whose biggest critics are themselves. It’s time to figure out what you’re doing here, Fox News. Continue reading Take it from Snee: An open letter to Fox News

We love it when a plan almost comes together

Betrayal. Insurrection. Double-crossing. Perfidy. Treason.

In our War on Animals, we need every victory that we can get. Let’s face it people, they outnumber us. But what we have is unity. What they have?

In-fighting.

People, if they can’t hold it together, then we have all the chances in the world. Mind you, it would’ve been better if we could get the dog and reptile to slay each other in ignoble violence, but wounding will work. Plus, need I point out the seeds of discontent that have been planted?

A lactacerbating situation

A woman charged with domestic violence and assault reportedly resisted arrest by spraying arresting police officers with breast milk. To specify: she hadn’t previously pumped it out, but whipped out an actual tittie (the right one, according to the Sheriff) and forcibly lactated on multiple deputies.

The plan backfired when the human breast milk–which is the best for growing police officers–gave the deputies stronger bones and muscles and delayed the onset of their osteoporosis, enabling them to remove her from her car.

Something else for women to be self-conscious about

Ladies, if you’re not satisfied in bed, it may not be the fault of your man (at least that’s what we’re hoping), it might actually be related to part of your body, and not the one you’re thinking of.

Scientists, despite never having seen one in real life, are researching the mysteries of the female orgasm. According to a new study out of Scotland, women seem to be more likely to finish if they have the right set of lips–on their mouths. Apparently, the bigger the size of that little dent on your upper lip, the easier it is for you to get off.

In future news, a study has found that the size of a woman’s lips may also get him going, too.