Month: July 2011

You Missed It: Double jeopardy edition

Sorry if this entry is somewhat brief, I’m doing my best not to move. It’s basically the only way I can stay cool at this point. Well, there’s that and drinking while you’re in the office. You might as well, because odds are your employer doesn’t want you dying of heatstroke–at least not on company property. If you were busy getting ready for Shark Week, odds are you missed it.

Your move, Pat Sajak
Alex Trebek had a pretty big shock recently at a San Francisco hotel when he woke up to the sounds of a woman rifling through he and his wife’s things while they slept. Trebek leaped out of bed and chased the woman down the hallway before he hurt his Achilles tendon. In an interview after the incident, Trebek said the thief had a head start on him because he paused to put on underwear before giving chase. (Not making this up.) Yes, the 71-year-old Jeopardy! host sleeps naked. Too many answers.

Not as Happy Meal
In an effort to fight childhood obesity, McDonald’s is changing up it’s Happy Meal to make it healthier. Instead of a cheeseburger, fries and soda, kids can now choose choose 1% milk or fat-free chocolate milk instead of soda, or some apple slices, they can also between getting fewer fries than they used to. The only thing about the apple slices is that they are deep fried and covered in caramel.

Punting the debt ceiling
The U.S. is in grave danger, and I’m not talking the type daily danger Fox News tells me we face based on what President Barack Obama said during a photo-op, I’m talking about real, financial danger. The U.S. is just days away from defaulting on its loans, which would mean a downgrade in credit rating unless the debt ceiling is raised. Republicans in Congress are squaring off with each other over a plan to–oh, who the hell cares, FOOTBALL IS BACK!

21st Century slated to deliver all of 20th’s promises

In 2008, Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy.

2011: Duke Nukem Forever.

And now, slated for 2012: Lucasfilm will finally release George Lucas’ World War II dream project, Red Tails. Always the “next movie” Lucas promised after every turd that came out since 1988, Red Tails is the story of the Tuskegee Airman, the first African American fighter squadron and also holders of a near-perfect escort record.

What’s next? Flash Gordon 2? Maybe our uncles will finally get us the bikes they promised us for letting them watch us bathe.

Who wants to see some expensive cars in a wreck?

Monaco is not exactly known for being humble or understated. In fact, it’s pretty much only known for rich people going there and doing rich people things. So when there’s a multi-car accident there, it’s got to be good.

In all, five really expensive cars were damaged. Tragically, no one was hurt. Involved in the accident were Bentley Azure (worth about $400,000), a Mercedes S Class ($120,000), a Ferrari F430 ($230,000), an Aston Martin Rapide ($230,000) and a Porsche 911 ($130,000), causing a whole bunch of plutocrats to have to send their rides to the shop to fix some fenders.

We here at SG don’t believe in sexism–we love broads, in fact. So we will not make a joke from a report saying that a woman was at fault.

Warrior of the Week: An old Australian lady

We haven’t done this in a while, but finally, we have a person who showed uncommon valor when the war came knocking.

Her name is Phyliss Johnson, 94, of Australia, and was “taking the washing from the line,” which we believe roughly translates to “bringing in the laundry,” when a crazed kangaroo challenged her to a few rounds. Being 94, and probably in the featherweight division, it wasn’t long before Johnson was knocked down. In clear violation of the Queensberry Rules, the kangaroo then pummeled her with kicks.

Eventually, the senior warrior was able to grab a broom and fight back. She landed enough blows to make an escape and get into her house. Then the authorities arrived and dealt the kangaroo some justice–Aussie style. It was euthanized, and, we assume, thrown on the nearest barbie.

Take it from Snee: Some atheists need religion

When Thomas Jefferson made damn sure we knew that the First Amendment built “a wall of separation between Church & State,” he did it so we wouldn’t allow those two in a room together, because, when they do? Look out, buddy.

Unfortunately, this was just like telling the kids in the backseat that they’re not allowed to cross the force field between them, no matter how much drinking and swerving you do. Since then, the American people have periodically gotten a little religion in their state/state in their religion, and humanist groups like the ACLU have stepped in to separate them before a caliphate is set up in the Capitol.

The latest tussle is over a cross at the 9/11 memorial site, and the American Atheists are litigiously peeved. They have sued New York, New Jersey, “the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, New Jersey Gov. Christie Christie, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, the World Trade Center Memorial Foundation/National September Memorial and Museum, property owners and developers Silverstein Properties, the Lower Manhattan Development Corp., World Trade Center Properties, and the Church of the Holy Name of Jesus and Brian Jordan.” (Does it suck to be Brian Jordan or what?)

Normally, I’m all for putting religion in a sack and beating it with dildos, but could the American Atheists be acting like actual dicks in this case? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Some atheists need religion

Nothing a little Chipotlaway won’t cure

A Bexar County, Texas,  jail guard was convicted of smuggling a saw blade to an inmate by hiding it in a taco. A surprise inspection of now-convicted double murderer Jacob Keller’s cell turned up a hacksaw blade, a rope, and a prison jumpsuit dyed to look like civilian clothes.

The guard, Alfred Casas, however maintains his innocence, and in his defense, Keller did not escape. So, how did the blade end up in a taco?

  • Fire sauce just doesn’t cut it, butt pain-wise, once you’ve had prison sex.
  • It could have been from Taco Bell, which are filled with 100 percent beef and 100 percent stainless steel saw blades.
  • Casas’ wife may have been trying to slowly kill him, but ran out of arsenic for that day’s lunch.
  • How else was Keller supposed to get the sapling he swallowed out?

Our boat size appears adequate

It’s nearly Shark Week, which is every warrior’s version of Hanukkah, and we’re pretty sure our vain foes know it’s just around the corner as well. In fact, they must, because they’ll do anything lately to make a name for themselves.

First, they attack a little girl in shallow water at a North Carolina beach. Luckily, she’s OK, and like Pope John Paul II forgiving the man who shot him, she forgives her assailant. As if such a beast was even capable of remorse.

Then, a shark in South Africa decided to steal the spotlight by jumping into a boat. Big deal, we’ve written about sting rays and sharks jumping into boats before, right? Did we mention that this one was a great white shark? That changes things. A group of researchers doing a count of sharks (isn’t it easier to count them when they’re dead?) were given the scare of their lives when the great white jumped into the boat, demanding that he be counted. Rather than hacking the thing to pieces while they had the chance, they somehow got it off the boat and allowed it to escape. It’s like they want to be seals.