Month: August 2011

Take it from Snee (and Michael Westen)

When you’re a petty criminal, sometimes an intel gathering operation doesn’t go as planned. Getting arrested in the Best Buy parking lot with a trunk full of NIC cards and processors isn’t the end of an operation, but sometimes the next step towards bigger and better activities.

In this case, the judge sentenced me to community service at the local (Miami) post office. You might be aware that most post offices have a special section for holding letters addressed to “Santa Claus” at the “North Pole,” and that those letters are eventually answered by felons as part of the prison labor system. Miami has that and a section for letters addressed to “Michael Westen” from the Burn Notice television program.

When you’re trapped in the post office, you have to bide your time, do as you’re told and try not to make any sudden movements (unless you want the employees to complain you’re moving too fast). You do whatever work they give you. (Answering Michael Westen letters.) You rely on anyone who will talk to you. (Nobody). Bottom line: until you get a few of these letters answered, you’re not going anywhere. Continue reading Take it from Snee (and Michael Westen)

The court says mom knows best

Despite our occasionally boorish behavior, we at SG are quite nice individuals. We absolutely love our parents (we definitely love your mom) and try to be the best people possible. They may not be the best, but our parents are our parents, and we’re thankful for everything that they’ve done for us.

Mind you, everything that I’ve written just now is potentially up for grabs. You see, an Illinois appeals court recently dismissed a court case that saw two children suing their mother for “bad mothering.” Said bad mothering consisted of Kimberly Garrity, the mother in question, not sending her son care packages at college, not buying her daughter a homecoming dress and not sending money in birthday cards.

Yeah.

The state appeals court said allowing the lawsuit to go forward “could potentially open the floodgates to subject family child rearing to … excessive judicial scrutiny and interference.

So, keep this in mind: while we love our parents, our love is quite literally contingent on future legal ramifications.

You can’t put a price on happiness, but you can on whoring

Prostitues, they generally work for a flat rate, either pre-determined or negotiated. But now, these forward wenches must pay an additional price in Germany, taxes. These distinguished ladies must now carry around what amounts to a train ticket being punched in order to determine the amount they owe the government.

The oldest profession meets one of only two guarunteed things in life, brilliant.

Who’s hungry for some frog legs?

We’re going to start off by saying that we have no way of confirming the validity of this story, but in the War on Animals we must treat every threat as a credible threat.

In China, a 44-lb. frog was apparently caught in some mountainous region you’ve never heard of. Yes, the frog weighed more than your dog. The frog was later killed and eaten, because in China, they know how to send a message to their enemies.

Only one picture of the frog exists. A likely story, of course. But keep in mind, the animals may be realizing that numbers alone are not going to defeat us, so they are experimenting with size, too.

Eat My Sports: Dream Team, harsh reality

The main talk of the early parts of the NFL preseason has been the Philadelphia Eagles as the self-appointed “Dream Team” of the NFL. Vince Young’s remarks may been innocent, but when your backup quarterback starts talking the talk, it puts immense amounts of pressure on the rest of the team to walk the walk. And so far through three games, Philadelphia’s starters have failed the lithmus test miserably.

For starters, your franchise cannot go anywhere when your quarterback is consistently on his back. The redemption of Michael Vick has been remarkable, however, Philadelphia just gave $100 million to a man who was brilliant for three quarters of a season, faded late, and threw a game-losing pick in a home playoff loss. Feel confident in your future yet, Philadelphia fan? Continue reading Eat My Sports: Dream Team, harsh reality

Through rain or sleet doesn’t include sickness and health

I don’t want to alarm you all, but there’s something that perhaps you should know.

Earlier on Monday, two postal workers in Tampa complained about the mail (there’s a surprise). After handling the mail, one of the complainers ended up in the hospital, currently in stable condition. Soon, a licorice-esque odor was discovered in a package, the terms nausea and dizziness began being bandied about and the post office was evacuated. Cleeeeeeeeear out.

The employees were later let back in, and the scent is being attributed to a grease leak coming from the aforementioned package. This is clearly a cover up.

Nausea? Dizziness? Licorice odor? This can only mean one thing: the Red Vines are coming for us.

Stolen clown car!

You know what we never get tired of? Mascot fights. We don’t have any mascot fights for you today, but there’s something that strikes a comedic chord somewhere between cartoon and reality of two adults sweating inside of foam and felt costumes, and then taking exception toward each other’s existence.

What we do have for you is a drunken clown driving around an upstate New York town in a golf cart. Drunk(en) driving isn’t funny normally, but when it’s a clown driving a vehicle that tops out at about 10 mph, it’s so much better. Clowns of America, we want more of these stories!

The McBournie Minute: Extreme survival in D.C.

Hi, I’m Bryan McBournie, and I’m submitting this as my audition for a new reality show. It seems like survival shows are getting more and more popular these days, and really, for no good reason other than we want to see someone die.

Well, I am someone that several people may have wanted to die at some point. What’s more, I live a pretty extreme life, man. The words I put down here won’t really suffice the extreme-ness, it’s the sort of thing you need to see on camera, with my expert commentary.

Here’s an example of how I survive Washington, D.C. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Extreme survival in D.C.