Day: August 3, 2011

Holding out for a Big Galloot

The Guys and Bonnie Tyler agree with today’s Headline of the Day: where have the Big Galloots gone?

For those of you who don’t special order your underwear, the “Big Galloots” are a pair of men’s briefs that, at 8-feet, hold the record for World’s Largest Men’s Underpants. They were housed in the City Museum in St. Louis, but now? Gone, baby, gone like yesterday’s elastic.

They were reportedly last seen surrounding St. Louis mayor’s spokesperson, Kara Bowlin, until she nearly broke into tears. If found in her possession, this would be the second largest stain on her career since that fateful day.

(Via Michael J. Nelson. Yeah, that one.)

Tanks for the memories

For most mayors, a show of power by them is normally just embezzling a large sum of cash, then presumably hiding the money in the undergarments of a lady of the night, a loved one or a paramour. For some, it’s getting reelected. Sometimes it’s a combination of them all. For Arturas Zuokas, it’s driving around his town in a tank and crushing the vehicles of his citizens.

It would seem that in the Lithuanian town of Vilnius, the owners of expensive cars have begun parking said vehicles in the bike lanes, which has become a big problem.

“I’ve had enough of these drivers parking their luxury cars on bike lanes and pedestrian crossings. This tank is a good tool to solve the problem of parking in the wrong place,”

To combat this outbreak, the mayor made the only sensible decision and drove an eight-wheeled tank over a Mercedes Benz parked in a bike lane. Mind you, this issue with the cars isn’t a historically bad problem, it’s just been something that’s arisen over the past week or so.

“In the past few days, expensive cars have been illegally parked in almost this exact place – a Rolls-Royce and a Ferrari,” he said in a video released by the city government.

We’d just like to point out that last part so that people don’t think Mayor Zuokas made a horribly rash decision.

Vilnius: The new face of craziness insanity reckless behavior terror. The town’s sleepiness belies its true nature.

It’s time to ride the lightning

Prohibition is known as one of the darkest times in U.S. history, except for those who actually enjoy drinking paint thinner. But sadly, many states, including most in the South, have some form of blue laws restricting the sale of alcohol in some way. Well, once again, South Carolina is leading the region toward independence.

The state’s micro-distillery laws now allow for the legal manufacture of moonshine, which kind of defeats the purpose, don’t you think? The 100-proof white lightning will be sold small batches at a distillery that will also have a tasting bar and museum.

Great, so now we can all learn about how after a couple generations of having trees for best friends, the descendants of Irish, Scottish and Welsh who loved their whiskey, decided to make something that looks and tastes nothing like their preferred drink, and sometimes made them blind.