Vampire Watch 2011

If science movies like Outbreak and Nosferatu have taught us anything, it’s that it only takes a single Patient Zero to ruin life as we know it.

A Mexican migrant worker has become the first person to die in the U.S. from the bite of a spooky vampire bat. He was bitten on the heel in Mexico–which also makes this the first non-Internet foot-fetishist vampire story–and died shortly after arriving in Louisiana to work on a sugar cane plantation.

Authorities have been careful to not disclose the current location of his body as local teenage girls have begun staking out graveyards to swoon at him. This is even more problematic as he died from rabies, leaving it up in the air whether he belongs on Team Edward or Jacob.

The liquid hits keep coming

Remember Robert Vietze? I don’t know how you couldn’t, as it’s clearly a very important name!

Actually, if it wasn’t for linking, we probably wouldn’t know it either, so we understand your confusion.

Nonetheless, Robert Vietze, drunken pee-er of the skies extraordinaire, has some celebrity status to him, making his aviation urination inebriation celebration a bit more interesting. Vietze was a member of the United States’ ski team’s development squad. That’s a lot of words to say “practice squad.” However, the key word to keep in mind in the previous sentence is “was.” Why is that?

Because Vietze was given the ol’ heave-ho off the development team after the news of what seemingly happened in the yellow blue skies. So, at least he’s got that going for him. Wait, do practice squad people get paid, or do they have to stock shelves like Kurt Warner?