Day: August 26, 2011

You Missed It: Wrath of god edition

They always say that Labor Day weekend is the official end of summer. I never really bought into that. As a kid, I was back in school at least a week before Labor Day, so summer had been over for me for a while. No, this weekend is the end of summer. Basically, all the kids are headed back to school, and that means one very, very important thing to me: the end of tourist season. If you were busy interrupting your vacation to address the nation, odds are you missed it.

Summer ends with a bang
The East Coast received quite a jolt on Tuesday when a 5.8-magnitude earthquake hit Virginia, sending shock waves felt as far away as Maine. Now, the Mid-Atlantic and Northeast regions are hunkering down for Hurricane Irene. It has to be said: This is God punishing us for caring about Kim Kardashian’s wedding.

The Libyans!
Libyan rebels took control of Tripoli this week. With the storming of the country’s capital, it seems likely that regime change is in the air. Indeed, amid the ongoing insurgency, Steve Jobs announced that he was stepping down as CEO of Apple.

I did social networks when only 5% of the population knew about them
According to a recent survey, half of the adult American population is on at least one social network. The survey found that the other half of respondents, when asked if they use Facebook, MySpace or LinkedIn, said something unintelligible because they forgot to put their dentures in.

Swimming with the bulls

Should we start a Copy of the Day award? Because we have a humdinger of a winner:

“A spill of frozen bull semen bound for a breeder in the state of Texas triggered a scare on Tuesday that temporarily shut down a U.S. interstate highway during the morning rush hour.

“The incident began when the driver of a Greyhound bus carrying the freight alerted the fire department he had lost a part of his load while negotiating the ramp on a highway near Nashville.”

But, wait! There’s a Quote of the Day, too:

“‘It was no different to us than if a mattress fell off a truck,’ said transportation spokeswoman B.J. Doughty.”

If you think this story is bulls#&t, you’d be wrong.

It was the best of times, it was the worst times

People call a child being born “the miracle of life.” Now, namely this is because squeezing a person through a birth canal is said to be an extreme pain. We’re not really sure, as we have a penis, but one day we’ll ask Arnold Schwarzenegger if that’s true or not. In the meantime, we’ll just believe that it’s pretty difficult.

We also believe that it’s difficult to be the person to have to monitor the delivery. There’s so much to do, so little time and everything’s on the line! That’s why we would like to give mad props to Gaelan Edwards. Recently, the pre-teen delivered his baby brother on his lonesome. Now that’s inner courage.

As such, SeriouslyGuys would like to provide to you, our loyal reader a distinct list of pros and cons of a situation like that:

Pros

  • Courage under fire. Gaelan took care of business despite having the odds stacked against him.
  • His younger brother owes him. Without Gaelan, that newborn would not be here.
  • Talk about a story to tell at bars later in life. Gaelan now has a story that can impress anyone.
  • Gaelan proved that tv does do good things. Too much tv works!
  • Can we reiterate that he did everything involved with delivering the kid?

Cons

  • He saw his mom’s vagina.

I think that con is enough to nullify all the pro’s and thus require massive therapy for Gaelan.

A bedding for the enemy

As you can imagine, the police officers of a bustling metropolis like Toledo, Ohio, have their hands full fighting crime, but stealing American flags from monuments, now that’s just criminal.

Two cops were on a stakeout at the Toledo Police Memorial Garden, where three different small flags were reported stolen. Before long, they witnessed a fourth flag, stolen by man’s deadliest foe, the squirrel. From there, it was simple police work following the unpatriotic tree rodent back to his dwelling, where they found a nest made with trees and — other flags.

The cops said (no, really) that they can’t prove that the squirrel was the same one to blame for all of the thefts, but it did not appear to be his first time, either. We trust that the enemy combatant was then allowed the frolic on busy road.