Take it from Snee (and Michael Westen)

When you’re a petty criminal, sometimes an intel gathering operation doesn’t go as planned. Getting arrested in the Best Buy parking lot with a trunk full of NIC cards and processors isn’t the end of an operation, but sometimes the next step towards bigger and better activities.

In this case, the judge sentenced me to community service at the local (Miami) post office. You might be aware that most post offices have a special section for holding letters addressed to “Santa Claus” at the “North Pole,” and that those letters are eventually answered by felons as part of the prison labor system. Miami has that and a section for letters addressed to “Michael Westen” from the Burn Notice television program.

When you’re trapped in the post office, you have to bide your time, do as you’re told and try not to make any sudden movements (unless you want the employees to complain you’re moving too fast). You do whatever work they give you. (Answering Michael Westen letters.) You rely on anyone who will talk to you. (Nobody). Bottom line: until you get a few of these letters answered, you’re not going anywhere. Continue reading Take it from Snee (and Michael Westen)

The court says mom knows best

Despite our occasionally boorish behavior, we at SG are quite nice individuals. We absolutely love our parents (we definitely love your mom) and try to be the best people possible. They may not be the best, but our parents are our parents, and we’re thankful for everything that they’ve done for us.

Mind you, everything that I’ve written just now is potentially up for grabs. You see, an Illinois appeals court recently dismissed a court case that saw two children suing their mother for “bad mothering.” Said bad mothering consisted of Kimberly Garrity, the mother in question, not sending her son care packages at college, not buying her daughter a homecoming dress and not sending money in birthday cards.

Yeah.

The state appeals court said allowing the lawsuit to go forward “could potentially open the floodgates to subject family child rearing to … excessive judicial scrutiny and interference.

So, keep this in mind: while we love our parents, our love is quite literally contingent on future legal ramifications.

You can’t put a price on happiness, but you can on whoring

Prostitues, they generally work for a flat rate, either pre-determined or negotiated. But now, these forward wenches must pay an additional price in Germany, taxes. These distinguished ladies must now carry around what amounts to a train ticket being punched in order to determine the amount they owe the government.

The oldest profession meets one of only two guarunteed things in life, brilliant.

Who’s hungry for some frog legs?

We’re going to start off by saying that we have no way of confirming the validity of this story, but in the War on Animals we must treat every threat as a credible threat.

In China, a 44-lb. frog was apparently caught in some mountainous region you’ve never heard of. Yes, the frog weighed more than your dog. The frog was later killed and eaten, because in China, they know how to send a message to their enemies.

Only one picture of the frog exists. A likely story, of course. But keep in mind, the animals may be realizing that numbers alone are not going to defeat us, so they are experimenting with size, too.