SeriouslyGuys would like to wish a very maudlin birthday to the corpse consisting of Michael Jackson, Dow Chemical and Hasbro, makers of Mr. Potato Head. The unholy amalgamation of burn scars and poor self-image resulting from years of exploitation and abuse as a child would have been 53 years old today.
Mr. Jackson is survived by his legendary records, famous dance moves and Weird Al Yankovic.
China, in their most ridiculous move since Sao Feng, has had their Ministry of Culture ban several artists and songs from radio play. The list includes Lady Gaga and the Backstreet Boys 1999 anthem “I Want It That Way.” Why, you ask? Apparently they are too offensive, and they’re not communists.
It’s been awfully wet on the east coast side of the US lately and that all lies at the feet of a lady named Irene. And despite the fact that people may have lost power, become ill from drastic weather changes and been flooded, ultimately, none of that’s important. You see, while all of that hullabaloo went down, a real travesty of nature took place on the west coast of the US, specifically in Venice Beach, California.
A sea lion attacked two people. DUM-DUM DUMMMMMMMM!
An older couple decided to go swimming in the waters Thursday evening, as is their right. It’s a casual dip, what’s to worry about? Outside of terror. The woman was bit on her leg. Those tend to be useful for swimming. Her husband, being a kind and brave soul, swam over to help her. His thanks was being bitten by the marauding sea lion on the head, hands and feet. Again, these parts of the body tend to be useful for swimming. Which they were doing. In the water.
Know this nature: You may think that you can take our attention away from one side of this country in order to initiate an attack. You might think it’s a clever tactic. You might even be proud of it. But we will rise from it. The human race will be survive and be stronger from your attack. We will have vengeance, and a swift and powerful vengeance it will be.
Not to be too blunt about it, but we think print journalism just might be dying. You heard it here first. But the good news is that all those people employed by newspapers will still have a purpose, long after people stop reading what they write on dead trees, like getting us from point A to point B.
Researchers have successfully used a bacteria to convert old newspapers into a biological sort of gasoline that a lot of engines can run on. This means that even though no one reads them, those writers’ paltry salaries are not in vain, they could one day mean cheaper fuel for those of us on the road!
They always say that Labor Day weekend is the official end of summer. I never really bought into that. As a kid, I was back in school at least a week before Labor Day, so summer had been over for me for a while. No, this weekend is the end of summer. Basically, all the kids are headed back to school, and that means one very, very important thing to me: the end of tourist season. If you were busy interrupting your vacation to address the nation, odds are you missed it.
Summer ends with a bang
The East Coast received quite a jolt on Tuesday when a 5.8-magnitude earthquake hit Virginia, sending shock waves felt as far away as Maine. Now, the Mid-Atlantic and Northeast regions are hunkering down for Hurricane Irene. It has to be said: This is God punishing us for caring about Kim Kardashian’s wedding.
The Libyans!
Libyan rebels took control of Tripoli this week. With the storming of the country’s capital, it seems likely that regime change is in the air. Indeed, amid the ongoing insurgency, Steve Jobs announced that he was stepping down as CEO of Apple.
I did social networks when only 5% of the population knew about them
According to a recent survey, half of the adult American population is on at least one social network. The survey found that the other half of respondents, when asked if they use Facebook, MySpace or LinkedIn, said something unintelligible because they forgot to put their dentures in.
Should we start a Copy of the Day award? Because we have a humdinger of a winner:
“A spill of frozen bull semen bound for a breeder in the state of Texas triggered a scare on Tuesday that temporarily shut down a U.S. interstate highway during the morning rush hour.
“The incident began when the driver of a Greyhound bus carrying the freight alerted the fire department he had lost a part of his load while negotiating the ramp on a highway near Nashville.”
But, wait! There’s a Quote of the Day, too:
“‘It was no different to us than if a mattress fell off a truck,’ said transportation spokeswoman B.J. Doughty.”
If you think this story is bulls#&t, you’d be wrong.
People call a child being born “the miracle of life.” Now, namely this is because squeezing a person through a birth canal is said to be an extreme pain. We’re not really sure, as we have a penis, but one day we’ll ask Arnold Schwarzenegger if that’s true or not. In the meantime, we’ll just believe that it’s pretty difficult.
We also believe that it’s difficult to be the person to have to monitor the delivery. There’s so much to do, so little time and everything’s on the line! That’s why we would like to give mad props to Gaelan Edwards. Recently, the pre-teen delivered his baby brother on his lonesome. Now that’s inner courage.
As such, SeriouslyGuys would like to provide to you, our loyal reader a distinct list of pros and cons of a situation like that:
Pros
Cons
I think that con is enough to nullify all the pro’s and thus require massive therapy for Gaelan.
Attention all applicants, there is probably a new opening in the t-shirt department at Old Navy. The major clothing retailer has issued out rally t-shirts for a whole buch of universities saying “lets go.” Only problem, the geniuses in the printing department forgot the apostrophe. Whammy.
As you can imagine, the police officers of a bustling metropolis like Toledo, Ohio, have their hands full fighting crime, but stealing American flags from monuments, now that’s just criminal.
Two cops were on a stakeout at the Toledo Police Memorial Garden, where three different small flags were reported stolen. Before long, they witnessed a fourth flag, stolen by man’s deadliest foe, the squirrel. From there, it was simple police work following the unpatriotic tree rodent back to his dwelling, where they found a nest made with trees and — other flags.
The cops said (no, really) that they can’t prove that the squirrel was the same one to blame for all of the thefts, but it did not appear to be his first time, either. We trust that the enemy combatant was then allowed the frolic on busy road.
When I first heard about Super, by director James Gunn, I was quickly intrigued. A super-hero movie from James Gunn? Starring Rainn Wilson and Kevin Bacon? You had me at hello.
Unfortunately, there were some problems. Super quickly suffered the plague of a limited release. It was simultaneously released on OnDemand, but I don’t have that. That’s one I owe Super. Super was recently released on Blu-Ray and dvd. I bought it within the week of its release, but I’m only just now getting around to reviewing it. That’s two I owe Super.
There will be a third. Also a fourth, fifth, sixth and gazillionth. That’s because this movie is fantastic. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Super’
