Day: September 2, 2011

You Missed It: Moonwalk edition

If you’re not out on the road by now, I’ll see you out there soon, and if you are on the road right now, stop reading this and focus on driving. Labor Day weekend, the antiquated unofficial end of the summer is now here. I’ll be heading to Ohio, you know, that place everyone is proud to be from for no clear reason. If you were busy being named as part of the new season of “Dancing with the Stars” this week, odds are you missed it.

The moon landing was fake
This week, NASA came out and said it wanted to make clear that Apollo 18, opening this weekend, is not a real movie. The agency reminded the public that the last moon mission was Apollo 17, and that there was no secret launch after that, especially not one involving dead cosmonauts and general scariness. But did Apollo 11’s Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin really land on the moon so they could find an ancient Transformer that crashed there? You bet.

Diplomacy is back in D.C.
In a move of inter-branch cooperation, President Barack Obama said he wanted Congress to convene so he could address them about jobs and the economy, and congressional Republicans gave him the thumbs up. Just kidding! Obama and House Speaking John Boehner got in a pissing match over the day of the speech, and as with all other compromises, the president gave in.

Where is your iPhone now?
In news I swear I am not just reheating from last year, Apple employees seems to have lost another iPhone prototype in a bar. Last year, someone left what we would later know as the iPhone 4 in a bar in California, this time around, a prototype was found in a Mexican bar. However, it’s suggested that whoever found the AyPhone ended up selling it on Craigslist for about $200. Really.

We can see your panties

3,000 pairs of women’s underpants have been recovered from four spots along the highway in Ohio, at least one pile of 1,600 in Fairfield County alone.  Police report that the panties are loose and are both new and used. They also appear to be of the “local discount and grocery stores” variety, not the racy stuff your mom buys.

Other than those details, authorities are stumped. The Guys have put together a couple of theories:

  1. Aliens! You’ve heard of Stonehenge. This is Mingehenge. And if any of the underpants were made of corduroy, then this could have been the beginning of the NASCAR Lines.
  2. Artists! Mountains of unglamorous dollar store granny-panties discarded along the highways and biways of middle America — the interpretations are limitless.
  3. Animals! Prairie critters are attempting to infiltrate the Heartland, one leg at a time — just like the rest of us.
  4. The Japanese! The used ones fit their M.O. Not sure where the new ones come in, though. Perhaps we interrupted them before they could finish?

We will dispatch our own Bryan McBournie to Ohio this weekend to investigate.

Animals label us crime, decide to take MacGruff’s advice

I don’t want to worry you too much, but the revolution might be upon us.

It’s not my intent  to alarm you all, but I only speak to you what circumstances might have brought. We’re currently seeing attacks from the tip top of the country in Minnesota to the lowly parts of the country in Arizona. It’s horrible. First, a bat attacked a 5 year old girl. Five. Years. Old. She can’t defend herself! Worse still, it happened in a Walmart, arguably our nation’s greatest contribution to capitalism. This is an affront to our country!

And yet, the evidence of a coordinated attack still looms. In Tempe, Arizona, a woman at a business center went out for a break. She’s earned it and she’s going to spend it with a nice, relaxing smoke to get her nerves back. If only. You see, the poor woman was attacked by a javelina (it’s an overgrown, furry pig) on her break. She now has to be treated for rabies. Potentially, that might consist of 13 shots that she has to take. That pig owes her 15 minutes of her life back.

Despite all this, I do have good news to report. A giant and terribly humongous (at least, in comparison to me) boa was captured, after being on the loose for who knows how long in Albuquerque. That’s one monster that’s been put back into its cage. It’s not all pretty out there in the world, but at least we know that some creatures aren’t out there trying to eat us. For now.

Trouser snakes on a plane

The next time you buy some exotic or endangered reptile pet that you know isn’t legal to sell, ask yourself: whose pants has this been in?

A man trying to board a flight from Miami to Brazil was taken aside by TSA employees, who found he had seven snakes and three tortoises in bags in his pants. What’s worse than snakes on a plane is sitting next to the guy who has snakes in his pants.