Day: September 8, 2011

MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Brothers Solomon’

Recently, the local fantasy football league that I’m a part of had our live draft. It’s a pretty awesome little affair. Beer and great bad food is consumed, horrible words are uttered and a podium is used by both the commissioner of our league and last year’s champion. At the end of it, the guy whose house we had it at pulled me aside, asking me “You like bad movies, right?” He then rifled through his movies and gave me a copy of The Brothers Solomon to borrow.

“I only paid 25 cents for it when Movie Gallery closed.”

Having only heard about how legendarily bad the movie was, I went ahead and watched it. Soon, it became horrifyingly clear to me that Corey vastly overpaid for the film. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Brothers Solomon’

Time to remove some ankle tattoos

So, dolphins, right? They’re pretty cool. They do flips for fish. They swim with dying kids even when they have cancer due to terrible life decisions. In return, we’ve stuck with them through a television career that began with Flipper and ended with SeaQuest (and a brief foray into film with Johnny Mnemonic), and we even felt guilty about our tuna purchases when they started using up out mayo.

But, what if we told you that it was all in vain and that dolphins have been holding out on us this whole time? What if it turned out that dolphins can speak like humans since day one, but just choose not to, even when nobody else understood us and our only solace was working at the local aquarium?

Maybe they’ll start talking if we deport all their dorsals back to the Gulf of Mexico.

How To: Kick Being a Fast Food Junkie

Here in the U.S. of A, at times, we citizens feel pressure to eat nothing but junk food. Deep-fried, massive caloric, heavy in transfats, it doesn’t matter: all of those descriptions taste delicious. Oh sure, we’ll blow out our colon on the terlet, but think of the savings we get in our budget!

Well, maybe we need to think otherwise. I mean, we’re all dying sooner and sooner. There’s a heavy risk of heart disease and other related conditions from both sides of my family. But it’s not easy! I mean, everyone’s tried the diets, whether fad or basic, but they just don’t work. So it’s time to look across the pond and see what the English might have to offer. Peter Andrews, a building worker, has found an exemplary way to cut out the pounds. As follows:

  1. Get blindly drunk.
  2. Attempt to get late night McDonald’s after closing. Be refused service.
  3. Go back home and get behind the wheel of your car.
  4. Ask for service one more time. Be refused once again.
  5. Drive the back end of your car into the entrance of the building repeatedly.
  6. Get arrested for your crime. At your sentencing, be banned from all McDonald’s in the country.

See? Simple and effective!

Drink up, white chicks

Not to be racist or sexist at the same time, but white women are crazy. They are so uptight about looking good and staying healthy that they don’t indulge every now and then. Well, once again, science has found that maybe that nightcap is a good idea in the long run.

According to a study of about 14,000 people, most of whom were white women, moderate drinking significantly reduces the risk of various health problems later in life. That includes chronic illness, disability and mental illness. So basically, that drink in your hand is helping your immune system, your bones and your brain. There were not enough minorities or men in the study to conclude that it would work for them, too, but let’s just say that it will. And if moderate drinking is good, heavy drinking must be better!

In other health news, if you want to lose weight, you might want to grab a bong.