Ask Dr. Snee: Samson Agontestes

Dear Dr. Snee,

Why is it that at the slightest touch, like when I bump them into a shopping cart, does it hurt my balls excruciatingly, but when I’m pounding away during sex, they’re slapping against her and everything feels fine? Do my balls have superpowers?

— Micah C.

The testicles, which you refer to as your “balls,” are incredibly sensitive part of the anatomy that nearly all vertebrate males share. This is why, when someone tells you to “show a little backbone,” you are socially obligated to display your testes in any method of your choosing. I personally prefer “The Brain” because, like a furry misshapen Epcot Ball, it’s fun and educational.

As sensitive as testicles are, you’d assume that a kind and intelligent creator would put them in the center of the body, farthest away from harm, like your heart or uvula. But since God is dead, they dangle there, front and center with maybe a large enough penis to cover them if you’re not wearing briefs. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Samson Agontestes

How to not spread a nickname (Chris Bosh)

If you haven’t been called a name at one point or another at some point in your life, it’s only a matter of time before you realize those bathroom scribblings are about you. We’ve all had embarrassing nicknames that we’ve earned. The trick is not spreading them yourself.

And this is where the article turns very specifically towards Chris Bosh. Bosh Spice, you’re doing it wrong.

Seriously, most of us had no clue what Skip Bayless called you, until you made it a feature story on ESPN’s First Take. Maybe you’re new to ridicule being a successful athlete all of your life, but, man, if some douche gives you a crappy nickname, don’t acknowledge it on the air, no matter what your high school Spanish teacher told you about bullies.

Those chest mounds are on the move!

Breasts are awesome. Everyone loves them, but what’s not always enjoyed about them are when they’re used for breastfeeding purposes. Yes, it’s natural, healthy and not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s just odd to watch.

So Pittsburgh, home of a man who was accused of being a rapist and somehow not convicted of being one, decided to make yesterday the official “Milk Truck Day.” This was of course capped with a truck rolling around town where women could let their breasticle pressure be eased.

While it’s being trumpeted about that this day was done in conjunction with an exhibit opening at the Andy Warhol museum, considering the Milk Truck is a converted ice cream truck with a giant breast on the roof, we can’t help but think that there’s probably a better tie-in that can be made instead.

A new way to get people to church

Church is a fun, social event for all, but why can’t it be sexy, too? We’ve wondered the same thing. Then we found the Phoenix Goddess Temple in Phoenix, Arizona. We gained enlightenment through their experienced and comforting ways of teaching us about sensuality, tantra and other mystical crap like that. That’s why we were devastated to hear that a bunch of them got arrested on prostitution charges.

About 20 men and women who worked at the temple were arrested by Phoenix police and charged with prostitution after a six-month undercover investigation. The investigation could have only taken two months, but the cops were really into learning about tantra.