You Missed It: A disturbance edition

Are you excited for the Mayweather-Ortiz fight tomorrow? Me neither. It’s not that I don’t care about boxing (well, I don’t, really), it’s just that where I live the fight has been advertised the hell out of, especially on the radio. The commercials are horrible, and let’s face it, boxers, whether they have an accent or not, don’t make the best sound bites. If you were busy finally getting your name changed to Metta World Peace this week, odds are you missed it.

‘Star Wars, nothing but Star Wars’
Everyone has at least one Star Wars nerd in their life, and they know the daily struggle not to punch that person. But they also know that said nerd gets mad at George Lucas every few years. Well, time has come once again. The Star Wars sextilogy (heh) hit Blu-Ray this week, and it comes with new “enhancements” to the original three movies. The biggest controversy comes from changes made to the end of The Empire Strikes Back, when a one-handed Luke Skywalker is fitted with a hook hand and eye patch.

I’m not drunk, I’m just stumbling
A recent study found that while alcohol is known to give you balance problems in the short term, you might be a bit wobbly for years to come. A study of recently- and longtime-sober alcoholics (or as we call them, people you don’t hang out with anymore) found that the more recently you drank, the greater the likelihood that you will have balance problems.  Of course, that’s only alcoholics, you can stop drinking whenever you want.

Marriage crashed
Remember the White House party crashers, Tareq and Michaele Salahi? They’re back in the news again. Tareq reported his wife missing early this week when she didn’t come home after running some errands. He called the police to report a kidnapping, but they didn’t take him seriously. As it turns out, Michaela ran off with Journey guitarist Neil Schon, and had even told the police ahead of time that she was fine. Talk about a Journey Escape.

Does this dead guy know how to party or what?!

Of all the things you can do with a corpse, the “Weekend at Bernie’s” runs a close second to … well, ask your parents. And when Robert Young and Mark Rubinson found their buddy Jeffery Jarrett dead in his home, they (allegedly) knew that Jeff had just delivered them a godsend.

According to police, the two picked Jarrett up off of whatever he died on (please say it was the toilet, please please please) and loaded him into an SUV. They then used Jarrett’s money to pay for drinks and food at two locations, dropped him back off at home — because he’d obviously had enough — and then went back out to a strip club.

At this point, once they had ditched the body, you could argue that they were just taking advantage of their friend’s death to profit. But, explain this: when they got to the strip club, they withdrew $400 from the ATM with his debit card.

You may think you’re tight with your friends, but are you close enough to create a death pact with them, including the PIN to your bank account?

Big hairy Russian wants to find big hairy snowman

Nikolai Valuev is a tall man. A former world boxing heavyweight champion, he retired in late 2009, presumably to become a butcher or deli-owner. Perhaps even owner of a sweaty and destitute gym. Anything, as long as he gets to punch things that won’t punch back.

Well, that must not have been all that exciting, because he’s now starting up an expedition to search for the yeti in Siberia. The trip will only take place over the space of two days, presumably because Siberia is super-duper-cold all of the time and most anyone that goes into the land will die.

A spokesman for the Kemerovo regional administration said that the boxer was keen to “talk to the yeti about life”.

We can only assume that Valuev will speak to the beast using his fists, which, as science tells us, is the most efficient form of communication.

My advice to you is to start drinking heavily

Football is back, as some of you may have noticed. Tom Brady, star quarterback of the New England Patriotic Citizens certainly knows it, and he wants the fans up bend an elbow or two before the home opener on Sunday.

In a recent interview, Brady had good advice for Patriots fans: “Start drinking early. Get nice and rowdy. It’s a 4:15 game, a lot of time to get lubed up. Come out here, and cheer for the home team.”

It’s not often one hears a  professional athlete encouraging day drinking, especially in puritanical Massachusetts, but we’re glad to see Brady is the anti-Roethlisberger, showing us that drinking and sexual assault don’t have to go hand-in-hand, in fact, drinking can help one’s cheering abilities.

What’s that? The Patriots later said that Brady meant that everyone should stay well hydrated and drink responsibly? Good job, spin guys!