The McBournie Minute: Thoughts on pooping

Every now and then I need to be reminded of why it’s a bad idea to write when I’m very hung over. Last week’s Minute was an example of that. Yeesh. That’s what I get for drinking with Bryan Schools on a Sunday night.

Pooping: It’s something we do naturally, or at least that’s what I think they told me back in high school. Sure, it’s gross to smell, look at, hear, or think about, but it’s kinda fun to do. You get out of whatever you were doing for a few minutes, and you’re free to sit and think–or play Words With Friends. But this is an issue we need to delve into further–further into the crap, if you will.

Because pooping is something we all do, we don’t want other people to know we do it. That’s why public restrooms are so rough. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Thoughts on pooping

USPS’s first living person stamp since Elvis in ’93

It’s often been said (by us, just now) that desperation tastes an awful lot like the back of a stamp. The U.S. Postal Service is in financial trouble and, at this point, will try just about anything to stay solvent.

Their latest get-rich-quick scheme? Lifting the prohibition against living people on stamps.

“Since Jan. 1, 2007, the requirement has been that a person must have been deceased five years before appearing on a stamp. Before that, the rule was 10 years. (By tradition, though, former presidents are remembered on a stamp in the year following their deaths.)”

This is great news for our current batch of celebrities, because now they can qualify for a stamp before leaking a sex tape to revive their careers.

Better living with radiation

It’s like the circle of life for science: The dawn rises. Purple llamas in pink pajamas prance about.

Radiation is used. This grants superpowers. Superpowers are used. In the process, more radiation is used.

Superpowers are lost. More radiation is used. Cancer is obtained. More radiation is used.

Cancer is in remission. Radiation is used again to conquer the lingering bits of cancer. Cancer arises from Tokyo Harbor.

Radiation is now used near your sac of berries. This manages to not kill your berries but does put a pounding on the cancer.

Berries are now broken and spread upon the face of a newborn child. Please note these are different berries than from before.

The defrauding dead

We’re getting closer to Halloween, as stores have had candy out for a good month or two. And apparently the undead know it, too.

They’ve been showing up more frequently, as of late, and now they’re here to defraud our government, just when it’s having a financial crisis. A recent report found that the government has paid out over $600 million in benefits to the dead in the past five years.

Folks, we can’t have these dead heads taking our tax dollars, we don’t even like the government taking our tax dollars. It’s time for a dose of medicine.