Day: September 27, 2011

Eat My Sports: MVP

We are a mere three weeks into this young NFL season and already we have a clear cut favorite as to who the MVP for the season, and last 13 years has been, Peyton Manning.

While Manning’s postseason failures have been well documented, the fact is now we have proof of what the Colts are without him, a potential 0-16 lock to get Andrew Luck next spring. There is no running game, the defense is used to playing with a lead, and Jim Caldwell has gone from rookie genius to hot seat. Continue reading Eat My Sports: MVP

Texas mulls cost of feeding murderers to lions

Texas, the executioniest of all the states, kills so many inmates a year that it had to streamline the process a bit. From here on out, condemned inmates will no longer receive a special last meal.

Instead, they will receive standard prison food because, as Texas state Senator John Whitmire put it, “It’s a privilege which the perpetrator did not provide to their victim[, except for that one guy in Se7en who was fed spaghetti until he died. Have we considered doing that, like for some food-based crime like poisoning?]”

Anti-death penalty activists are kind of OK with this decision, saying that the tradition was a pointless exercise in false mercy, and also because of the number of inmates requesting asparagus just so the room will smell for hours afterwards.

The new policy is expected to save money on often uneaten meals, but should it still slow down the execution process, Texas prison officials may consider switching up to Taco Bell and Easy-Mac.

It’s like having Terry Cruz right beneath your poo-hole

In other fecal-related news …

There’s really no way for us to put it any other way than this, so we’re just gonna come out and say it: a toilet that went ka-blooey sent a woman to the hospital.

It’s an absolutely ridiculous story that you might expect to see come out of an episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus, but no! No, it came from our nation’s capital. And even then, it came from federal building!

The GSA [General Services Administration] Regional office building employees were sent a memo, warning them to not use the bathrooms in the building, because the plumbing may be dangerous.

Debt ceiling? Financial crisis? Foreclosures? The real problem we need to be throwing money at is exploding toilets.

Warrior of the Week: Daniel Rorrer

Then are warriors, and there are warriors. Daniel Rorrer is the latter–or the former, we can’t remember which one is supposed to be the more macho one. But which ever one that is, that’s him.

Why is that? Rorrer has killed turkeys in 49 different states, a feat that may have never been done before. Why hasn’t he killed in all 50? Because Alaska doesn’t have turkeys, except for the jive variety.

Let his example be an inspiration to you all.