You Missed It: Equinox edition

It seems like everyone I know has been complaining about how long this week has felt to them. I agree, but for different reasons. For them, it’s probably the gloomy weather we’ve had in my area that is getting people down, making time pass slower. For me, it’s because I’m off next week. You know that last week before vacation, where you’re counting down the days until you’re out. That’s where I’ve been all week, and it’s way worse than your average slow week. If you were busy getting your breasts insured, odds are you missed it.

And here comes the scornful monologue
On “Dancing with the Stars” this week, Nancy Grace’s nipple slipped out of whatever she was wearing while she danced. This caused quite a scandal, because high school boy out there has been dying to see Nancy Grace’s boobs, her old, ragged boobs. Seeking to drive up ratings for her own show put the whole thing behind her, Grace denied that her wardrobe ever malfunctioned. The controversy continues.

This is why I drink
The Boston Red Sox, ug, the Boston Red Sox. In August, they were on top of the world, and clearly going into the playoffs with a pretty formidable lineup. Then everyone decided to get bruises on their pinkies and sit out, or at please play like they were sitting on the bench. Sox completed their slide out of the playoff picture in the last game of the season, when they lost to the Baltimore Orioles (!) and the Tampa Bay Rays won in extra innings after being down 7-0 earlier in the game. In other news, Boston finally feels like Boston again.

And speaking of angry Bostonians
Rezwan Ferdaus, a Boston-area man, was arrested this week after the FBI said that he was plotting to fly explosives-laden model airplanes into the Capitol building and the Pentagon. Man, the Boy Scout badges are way more advanced than when I was a kid.

A view to a kill

The ACLU and four other groups will have their day in court to challenge a controversial anti-abortion law in North Carolina. The law requires abortion doctors to show and describe ultrasound images of the fetus to the ex-MILF-to-be before rotor-rooting her coote … insides.

And you know what? The ACLU is right: this law is absurd.

“Absurd” as in “it doesn’t go far enough.” Showing a fuzzy black-and-white image that only a doctor can describe won’t pull hard enough at a mother’s heartstrings.

The Guys, who just loves them some unwanted babies, want a new law. A better law. A law that requires the mother to watch a video of her womb-parasite Photoshopped into being inaugurated President of the United States, accepting a Nobel Peace Prize or punching Hitler.

Bipolar cat is bipolar

Like a cruel affront to mankind, like a feline adaptation of a Roosevelt Grier movie, a monster has arisen. The worst part is that it hasn’t been put down for 12 years.

A Massachusetts man, Marty Stevens, has willingly become a species traitor. Not only did he save the creature from being euthanized, he’s even given the beast two names: Frank and Louie. Worcester native, how dare you give this thing an identity! The cat has four (three?) eyes with which to spy on us and two mouths with which to take your life. Do not think that it is a docile animal that thanks you for saving it. Nay, that monster was born with not a genetic defect, but a genetic superfect (that’s opposite of defect [when something is good, not bad], right? sounds good to me)!

Janus cats don’t normally live long at all. With your help, you’ve managed to keep this one alive for over a decade, thus creating genes that may turn things around for the species. Congratulations on helping out the enemy, jerk.

Time to put down PETA

We’ve told you for years that PETA is a terrorist group operating within the U.S., supporting the animal cause and wishing harm to humans. You may have thought it was a bunch of blustering and hyperbole, well, you can’t any longer.

Last weekend, Charles Wickersham, 21, was bitten by a shark while spear fishing near Anna Maria Island, Florida. Luckily, his friends helped him to shore, and he’s in intensive care in a hospital now.

This, PETA sees, is an opportunity to say that Wickersham deserved it, in fact, to infer that he should have been eaten by the shark, rather than live the rest of his life. They’re putting up ads around the Florida cost, including where Wickersham was bitten, depicting a great white shark with a human leg in its mouth, with the text “Payback is hell. Go vegan.” We’re not making this up.

They see this kid’s near-death experience as a good time to say, “Hey, maybe we should examine sustainable fishing practices, or just stop eating fish altogether.”

This, fellow warriors, is how the mind of a species traitor works. A human was nearly killed, but he was fishing, and people who fish deserve to die because they kill and eat animals.

This will not stand! PETA, in its advocating for animals, has forgotten what it means to be human.

[via Gizmodo, of all places]