Why’s the shark gotta be white?

For those of you who have been afraid to step into the ocean in fear of the Great White Shark, it’s over. We got him. He is safely behind glass where he can never hurt you again.

Authorities captured what they describe (according to the art of paraphrasing) as a “juvenile offender” off the coast of Malibu, presumably after some eagle-eyed celebrity used their magic better-than-us powers to spot it. The shark was transferred from the Malibu holding pen to the Monterey Bay Aquatic Penitentiary, where fish and really naughty air-breathing criminals are held until they make parole. Or drown.

Unfortunately, we all know that California’s justice system is equipped with a revolving door. Prison officials have already confirmed that they will release the shark as soon as it begins appearing stressed or taking “aggressive actions toward other inmates” — like Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. Our advice is to get your beach on while there’s still time.

Cue single tear and slow clap

There are lots of heroes in this world. There are the fictional kind, like Captain America, Superman and Bill Pullman. There are the real kind, like Dr. Martin Luther King and non-Hitler mustache Michael Jordan. And then there are the ones that are never known. It’s not that we don’t encounter them in our lives, it’s just that we have no idea who they are.

We had another moment like that this week.

A pair of dismembered alligators were seen near an elementary school. Their tails missing, the bodies lay there as a stark reminder to all animals of their place in life. Sadly, we have no idea who the great champions were that did such an act. Employees of Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission are pinning the “blame” (if such a word can actually be attributed to an act as great as it was) on hunters, taking their tails for meat purposes and skedaddling. If that’s so, then we would like to commend them.

Alligators aren’t the American bison. We can’t use all of their body parts. Hell, it took a bulldozer to deal with the bodies! These reptiles were more than likely up to no good. Their fates were justified. Children shouldn’t have been traumatized by this incident, but inspired by it.

Out came the rain and …

With any tropical storm or hurricane, it is the law that there be a weatherman (or weatherwoman)  or a reporter outside being rained on and blown around by the heavy winds. It’s old hat, and yet it’s still entertaining.

However, Hampton Roads, Virginia’s own WVEC put a different spin on it all. Reporter Velma Scaife found that Spider-Man was there, and he was apparently doing some ill-advised surfing in the storm surge. The webhead, just when we needed him, was there to tell us all to avoid the water, and then, just like that, he was gone.

Everybody gets one.

[via A+A]