We smell a cyber rat

No, we’re not talking about the return of the Cybermen on the most recent episode of Doctor Who. But, according to this story, that’s not far off.

Scientists from Tel Aviv University in Israel have restored brain function in test rats’ disabled cerebellums (they started on the right track) with a synthetic one (and then leapt right off onto the wrong one). Sure, they only taught the rat to blink to a sound tone, but the goal is to eventually “replicate complex areas of the brain,” which could restore full function to the disabled or even improve undamaged brains.

The only silver lining is that there will now be some competition with the cockroaches to succeed the human race should we lose this war.

It’s the pure, unmixed taste of vanilla

“There’s a whole lotta honkies in this ice cream shop.”

But that’s just coincidental. You see, Ice Cream Family Corner and Sandwiches, a locally owned ice cream shop in Ocala, Florida, recently unveiled a new mascot. Of course, as with all business involving mascots, controversy quickly ensued. When people drove by the parlor, they saw the dancing mascot holding a sign, and as such, they immediately thought that the business going on was racist.

As in, the mascot was a KKK member.

Except the owner of Ice Cream Family Corner and Sandwiches is Lisa Diaz, who’s from Puerto Rico. Sometimes a vanilla ice cream cone is just a vanilla ice cream cone.

Admire the spirit, but no one wants to see that

Utah is not exactly known for its progressive attitude, and its laws reflect that. Even though most Utahans are not Mormon, their state laws don’t reflect that. Well, the more liberal denizens of Utah decided to gather together and make a sincere, professional plea to their state legislators.

Just kidding! They got together and partied in their underwear in protest. An estimated, uh, “thousands” gathered together in their skivvies for the “Undie Run” in Salt Lake City.

They should have an event like that in Washington, D.C., there would probably be quite a few congressmen participating.

Eat My Sports: MVP

We are a mere three weeks into this young NFL season and already we have a clear cut favorite as to who the MVP for the season, and last 13 years has been, Peyton Manning.

While Manning’s postseason failures have been well documented, the fact is now we have proof of what the Colts are without him, a potential 0-16 lock to get Andrew Luck next spring. There is no running game, the defense is used to playing with a lead, and Jim Caldwell has gone from rookie genius to hot seat. Continue reading Eat My Sports: MVP

Texas mulls cost of feeding murderers to lions

Texas, the executioniest of all the states, kills so many inmates a year that it had to streamline the process a bit. From here on out, condemned inmates will no longer receive a special last meal.

Instead, they will receive standard prison food because, as Texas state Senator John Whitmire put it, “It’s a privilege which the perpetrator did not provide to their victim[, except for that one guy in Se7en who was fed spaghetti until he died. Have we considered doing that, like for some food-based crime like poisoning?]”

Anti-death penalty activists are kind of OK with this decision, saying that the tradition was a pointless exercise in false mercy, and also because of the number of inmates requesting asparagus just so the room will smell for hours afterwards.

The new policy is expected to save money on often uneaten meals, but should it still slow down the execution process, Texas prison officials may consider switching up to Taco Bell and Easy-Mac.

It’s like having Terry Cruz right beneath your poo-hole

In other fecal-related news …

There’s really no way for us to put it any other way than this, so we’re just gonna come out and say it: a toilet that went ka-blooey sent a woman to the hospital.

It’s an absolutely ridiculous story that you might expect to see come out of an episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus, but no! No, it came from our nation’s capital. And even then, it came from federal building!

The GSA [General Services Administration] Regional office building employees were sent a memo, warning them to not use the bathrooms in the building, because the plumbing may be dangerous.

Debt ceiling? Financial crisis? Foreclosures? The real problem we need to be throwing money at is exploding toilets.

Warrior of the Week: Daniel Rorrer

Then are warriors, and there are warriors. Daniel Rorrer is the latter–or the former, we can’t remember which one is supposed to be the more macho one. But which ever one that is, that’s him.

Why is that? Rorrer has killed turkeys in 49 different states, a feat that may have never been done before. Why hasn’t he killed in all 50? Because Alaska doesn’t have turkeys, except for the jive variety.

Let his example be an inspiration to you all.

The McBournie Minute: Thoughts on pooping

Every now and then I need to be reminded of why it’s a bad idea to write when I’m very hung over. Last week’s Minute was an example of that. Yeesh. That’s what I get for drinking with Bryan Schools on a Sunday night.

Pooping: It’s something we do naturally, or at least that’s what I think they told me back in high school. Sure, it’s gross to smell, look at, hear, or think about, but it’s kinda fun to do. You get out of whatever you were doing for a few minutes, and you’re free to sit and think–or play Words With Friends. But this is an issue we need to delve into further–further into the crap, if you will.

Because pooping is something we all do, we don’t want other people to know we do it. That’s why public restrooms are so rough. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Thoughts on pooping