Take it from Snee: Spray it, don’t say it

Manners are an ever-evolving contract that society signed to avoid embarrassing and thoughtless behavior, or what the French termed “faux pas” in between giving English-speakers the wrong directions to the Louvre.

Our earliest etiquette rule comes from, ironically enough, our earliest ancestors, who decided it would be more polite to fathers if the groom clubbed their daughters prior to dragging them off, which is much quieter than all that previous kicking and screaming. From there, we invented “please,” “thank you” and “I’m sorry” to express polite requests, gratitude and, “Would you just shut up about your car already?”

Even today, we are making greater strides towards a more polite world, even when we can’t see it right away. For instance, when police officers began spraying people sitting outside in New York City and the University of California, Davis without repercussion, who knew that ordinary people would start doing the same to humbly ask for the last Xbox? It is clear that the moratorium we once held on not spraying s#@t in other people’s eyes has been lifted, and I for one am glad to see this day. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Spray it, don’t say it

A horse is a course of horse, of horse

In the War on Animals, there are certain species that have traditionally been granted a reprieve in exchange for service. Dogs, for one, have been mistakenly classified as “man’s best friend” when we all know man’s real best friend is anyone who will bury a body for you, not just a pig ear. But, another species just can’t make the cut anymore in this day of internal combustion engines: horses.

As part of a new spending bill signed into law on Nov. 18, Congress removed a five-year-old ban on funding horse meat inspections. The USDA stated that there are no slaughterhouses for horses at this time, but it’s only a matter of time before we catch up with Mexico and Canada where they butchered 138,000 for human consumption in 2010.

Although the Guys never stopped eating horse — resorting to even glue — during the past five years, we’re glad that chili con pony is back on the menu.

Truly a Christmas miracle

Fun fact: Santa Claus is not Sylvester Stallone.

Do not let Rick Snee lie to you. Despite his claims and false joyful appearance as of late, facial hair can do nothing but lead to death.

In an event that will eventually be recorded as a stop-motion animated Rankin-Bass movie titled “The Year Santa Claus Nearly Died In a Mall In Front of a Bunch of Kids,” we learned that Kris Kringle is not an extreme sports rock climber. One of his many agents isn’t either, getting his beard stuck in rappelling equipment while entering a mall from its glass ceiling. The beardo eventually made his way down to the ground, but not in a speedy fashion.

Hey, Papá Noel: The next time you want to surprise a bunch of kids at a mall, try using the front door, okay?

The well’s been tainted–with booze

If there’s one reason not to drink water, it’s because it can’t get you drunk.

A now-former employee at a water treatment plant in Groton, Mass. saw the same problem that we did, and he (we’re assuming it’s a he) decided to do something about it, by distilling his own moonshine right there at the facility. And why not? The best booze starts with the cleanest water, and where better to find water than a water treatment plant?

Unfortunately, when someone found the distilling equipment, they did not agree, and the employee has been let go. What if someone built a still large enough turn the town’s water supply into booze? Morning showers would be so much better.

Let’s hope she kept it down during her contractions

Flying comes with its own list of headaches, including headaches caused by cabin pressurization problems, but nothing is worse than a crying baby. Especially a crying baby that has their own seat in First Class.

But, one mother took one for the team and held her baby inside of her for an entire flight to Baltimore/Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airport — even during the stressful taxiing/everyone clutching their carry-ons to bolt out the jetway first standoff. She waited until safely well within Concourse D to finally take her baby out in … ugh … one of BWI’s bathrooms.

While fellow passengers applauded her ability to keep her baby out of earshot and sight, the airlines have banded together to speak out against this before it becomes trendier than those weird napkin papooses. They stated very clearly that “keeping a baby within one’s body does not void checked baggage fees for baby supplies upon delivery on airport property.”

Turkeys now involved in violent protests

Hey there reader. Did you have a happy Thanksgiving? We sure hope so. It’s a delicious time of the year where people get to celebrate family and give thanks by feasting upon our animal enemies. Frankly, I find the holiday to be wonderful. But it wasn’t wonderful for everyone this year.

At an Eat’n’Park in Penn Hills, Pennsylvania, chaos disturbed the tranquility enjoyed on Thanksgiving. Near midday afternoon, unprovoked, unwarranted and potentially suicidal, a turkey burst through the window of the restaurant, shattering glass and sending the shards across the carpets and booths near and far. The bird was not thrown. This was upon its own volition.

Animals, do not think that this act of rebellion will be forgotten. While we’re very thankful that no one was in the restaurant at the time of terrorism, forgiveness will not come easy. We will remain ever vigilant, and if a pig decides to break into a restaurant on Christmas Day, it better not be one that has an oven and pineapple juice.

Things even out

Sorry guys, Catwoman is officially off the market. Anne Hathaway, star of several movies you have had no interest in, but has shown her boobs a couple times anyway, is engaged to her boyfriend, Adam Shulman, you know, the guy who played the role of Enos in 2007’s made-for-television movie “The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning.”

However, snowboarder Lindsey Vonn is back on the market, and likely looking for something quick and meaningless. So there’s hope.

The McBournie Minute: Writing the drama

The soap opera is dying, but don’t tell your mother that, it will crush her. A lot of people say this is because fewer women are becoming housewives, or that those who do stay home prefer daytime talk shows to their “stories.” At the same time, box office sales are spotty. If it’s not huge, it might not break even. Some say this is because the ticket prices are too high and at-home entertainment systems have improved so much.

I think the decline of soap operas and the shakiness of movies are connected. They are both the result of good, taut dramas airing regularly on television. Suddenly, viewers expect more from their entertainment, because the writing for dramas (some of them, certainly not all) has gotten better and better in the past 10 years.

But dramas can only be so original sometimes. It can be tough to surprise the viewer without resorting to a common drama cliches. I’m getting tired of seeing some of them, so I’ve made a list. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Writing the drama

No apologies were made in the writing of this post

If there’s one thing people love, it’s an apology. The more public or documented, the more it shows how humbled the offender truly was provides satisfaction for the aggrieved. Of course, they don’t always go as planned.

Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback was forced to brownbackpedal after his office contacted the high school of a teenage girl who does not like him. The 18-year-old Emma Sullivan tweeted that Gov. Brownback “sucked” during a class trip, to which the his staff objected, claiming the governor is not even her father.

The West Yorkshiretonville police have released the apology letter of a convicted British burglar that he was forced to write by his young offenders’ program. And, he gave the sincerest forced apology he could muster: by apologizing for how stupid his victim was to have left their downstairs window open at night. While it was released to the public and run in newspapers around the world, the letter was not delivered to the victim to spare their feeli — whoops.