Month: December 2011

You Missed It: End of 2011 edition

So here we are, Dec. 30, 2011, the last SG post of the year. We hate those stupid year-in-review pieces every single publication spews out starting all month long, and I bet you think that’s what we’re going to do here as well. You’re wrong, because we’ve been telling you what happened all year long. We’re going to take the best of each month in this super-sized edition, because who doesn’t love a clip show? If you were busy being famous and dying this year, odds are you missed it.

January:
A time for action is here
A new Congress took session, bringing in a new era of legislation, a new hope for America. Here are the freshest appointments the citizens of the United States have elected to represent themselves. It’s time to take action! It’s time to show some muscle! It’s time to roll up the sleeves and start working together toward a better future! That’s why the first thing the House did was … read the Constitution, a document that hasn’t been altered at all since the senor George Bush administration. Next up on Congress’ reading list: Ender’s Game. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2011 edition

The Niña, the Pinta and the — Santa María, that burns!

It’s been nearly 65 years since Alphonse “Scarface” Capone died in Alcatraz in the middle of a then-historic sentence of 11 years for tax evasion. It was the best authorities could do since they couldn’t convict him of the many murders, racketeering and bootlegging that had been attributed over the years. But, it looks like somebody dished out a little prison justice, sapping Capone’s physical and mental faculties with chronic syphilis. And that someone? Christopher Columbus.

Scientists believe they have found evidence that proves the controversial “discoverer” of the New Wyrlde also brought home a scorching case of the clap, then unknown in the Olde Wyrlde. It spread quickly from sailors in port towns because, well, that’s what they do earl-eye in the mornin’.

So, there you have it. Chris Columbus redeems himself the teensiest-tiniest bit, Al Capone dies embarrassingly of venereal disease and Native Americans get some revenge for those small pox blankets. Happy Friday? Happy Friday.

Reason #56,349 why donuts are the best things in the world

At my local Sam’s Club, they offer a fairly large twisted churro for just over a buck. I’ve had it before. It’s sugary, it’s cinnamon-y and overall, it’s not too bad. Best of all, it doesn’t explode.

What’s that? You’ve never had exploding churros before? Well, truthfully, neither have I, but that’s probably because I’m not a reader of La Tercera, a Chilean newspaper that printed the recipe seven years ago. Mind you, the churros in the recipe weren’t supposed to explode hot oil upon their creators, but for 13 readers, they kinda did.

Which leads us to now: The Supreme Court for Chile has ordered La Tercera to pay 163 thousand dollars to the aforementioned 13 readers. This just reiterates why donuts are so good: They won’t cost you a ton of money and they won’t explode over you. Their damage is internal, not external.

Retailers love you when you’re drunk

If you read this blog, there’s a pretty good chance you enjoy bending an elbow every now and then. And with New Year’s Eve just around the corner you’re probably planning on having a few more than usual and perhaps making a bad choice or two.

This year, help out the economy by making one of those bad choices an online purchase. Retailers say the trend of sloshed shopping is increasing, and that’s a good thing. Having a few pops lowers your inhibitions, as we all know, and if you’re shopping, it makes you more likely to purchase things.

So drink up and get to it, the economy needs you.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Rare Exports’

Just because it’s four days after Christmas doesn’t mean that Christmas is over. I mean, yes, Christmas is technically over, but that doesn’t mean that the Christmas spirit should leave you. It also means that it’s still perfectly okay to watch Christmas movies.

And boy oh boy, do we have one heckuva Christmas movie at hand. The Santa at the center of Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is not the sort Mommy is likely to be kissing beneath the mistletoe (or anywhere else) this year. Rather, the focus of this bizarre Finnish fairy tale — as black as anything the Brothers Grimm could have dreamed up — is a sinister old codger who chews off ears and whose demon minion kidnaps innocent children. Looks like your Jewish friends were right about something. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Rare Exports’

These times, they be unchangin’

Science strikes another blow against industry, this time at that calendar store in the middle of the mall between the Sunglass Hut and the Dead Sea Salt pushers! Astrophysicist Richard Conn Henry and applied economist Steve Hanke have devised a calendar that simplifies the year so that each date will always fall on the same day of the week. Imagine:

  • MLB’s Opening Day always the same day of the year (barring any labor disputes)!
  • Hanukkah remaining a wild card that could happen anytime, while Christmas follows the yearly rigmarole, Sunday, December 25th, every year. *sigh*
  • Arbor Day — whenever the f@%k that is, only scheduled!

Yes, indeed, they’ve simplified it. No more counting months on your knuckles to figure out which months have 31 days. Now it’s every third month! And Leap Year? Forget about it. No more February 29th every four years! Instead, they’ll merely add an entirely unaccounted-for week at the end every fifth or sixth December.

Say goodbye to confusion (except when you’re trying to fill a mystery week that may be this year or next year), and say hello to having to justify buying a new calendar when last year’s Playmates are perfectly fine … just old.

How about Occupy Those Boobs, AMIRITEGIZE?

Finally, a protest we can almost get behind!

A Houston mom decided that she had had enough of being told what to do by Target employees. “Stop running away with those pretzels,” “this line is closed,” “you can’t buy that because we don’t have it in stock,” “put away your fun-bags” and other commands had been sent the way of Michelle Hickman for just too long! Being that we live in a civil society where everyone takes a pragmatic, well thought-out approach to their actions, Hickman did the only rational thing: create a flash mob-style nurse-in at a Target yesterday morning.

“I’ve gotten way more support than I imagined,” Hickman said today outside the Webster store.

Naturally, we assume that’s because she’s wearing a new bra and doesn’t have a kiddo suckling at her teet during the interview.

Church of the Nativity throwdown

What better way to celebrate the birthday of the Prince of Peace then by beating the crap out of your neighbor?

If you thought the Christmas season was over, you are way off. In fact, the Eastern Orthodox Church celebrates the birth of Jesus in January, probably because they can’t get enough of the holiday music.

Every year about this time, Orthodox priests clean up the Church of the Nativity, located at the site believed to be where Jesus was born. Two rival sides, the Armenian and Greek Orthodox churches, set aside their fierce rivalry and clean up the church to get ready for the big celebration.

A fight between the priests broke out because of accusations that someone stepped on someone else’s side. In the end, Palestinian security forces broke up the fight.

You know the situation’s bad when the Palestinians are the ones saying, “Settle down, guys. Let’s be reasonable!”