Day: December 7, 2011

Take it from Snee: The U.S. Citizenship Test (according to Facebook)

Good afternoon, presumably American citizen! As you’re probably aware, your right to citizenship is guaranteed by the 14th amendment to the U.S. Constitution (not to be confused with the U.S.S. Constitution, which — like diversity — is an old, old wooden ship used during the Civil War era). And, if you’re not a citizen, then you can apply and then take a test to prove you’re the stuff American dreams are made of. But, is that too simple?

In many trades, you are required to periodically re-certify to maintain your current standing or move up to another level of union or guild membership. Those who can’t make the grade in, say, barrel-making could find themselves out of a job if they can’t stay up to date in the latest innovations in the field of coopering.

We could have had something similar for U.S. citizenship. Unfortunately, some Southern racists ruined things by only applying political competency tests to African Americans, so the Voting Rights Act of 1965 pretty much nipped that idea in the bud.

But, what if there were a way for people to self-administer this test to prove over and over again to their friends and family that they are America+ citizens? It seems silly to think anyone would submit that kind of personal information on a daily basis to coworkers and near strangers …. and then Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook.

I’ve created a new U.S. Citizenship Recertification test based on my research, which consisted of diddling around on Facebook all day. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The U.S. Citizenship Test (according to Facebook)

Words with Baldwins

Apparently the Film Actors Guild may have to consider a new leader given that Alec Baldwin has been spending most of his time feeding his addiction to Words With Friends. The mobile app was the reason Baldwin refused to turn off his cell phone and thus, was ejected from his flight.

No need to worry about Baldwin though, he went from one addiction to another, as he let us know about the whole ordeal on Twitter.

You don’t know where that bed bug’s been, but his sister does

If you thought bed bugs are gross, get ready to declare a jihad on them: one of their keys to spreading so quickly is that they’re inbreeders.

Researchers discovered that not only do bed bugs inbreed, but they’re also pretty much immune to all the nasty genetic side effects. This enables a single pregnant female to establish a colony, while her offspring go sex nuts in the floorboards with each other.

And the scariest part — aside from the resemblance to the B-story from The Godfather Part III — is that their inbreeding makes them more resistant to pesticides. So: no hemophilia and they’re stronger.

The next step in this research is to apply it to humans. Namely, how are there so many country music fans when nobody farms or herds cattle anymore?

Another way to defeat the dreaded hangover

Let’s face it, we all love drinking, but not all the world can drink like The Guys do, no matter how hard they try. And it just gets tougher as you get older. Regardless, you’re probably going to overdo it at least once this holiday season.

When you do, there’s a new, apparently faster-acting hangover cure that’s now on the market and also kind of sounds like an adult movie title: Blowfish. It’s two tablets containing caffeine, aspirin and something to soothe your stomach. They claim it works in a matter of minutes. Best of all, it’s over the counter.

Just think how much better it would taste if you washed it down with some scotch!