As my regular readers know, I’m a pretty humble person. My regular readers know that because they are my parents. I like to lead a fairly quiet life and I contemplate all sorts of issues before forming opinions on them. I’ve never tried to push my beliefs on anyone, because I know we’re all people, and we all take dumps the same way.
Then I realized I was more influential than the pope. That’s right, I influence more people than Pope Benedict XVI, the vicar or Rome. I’m not having a John Lennon moment, I just know this because Klout.com told me so. Klout is a site that, for free, tracks and grades your influence on social media sites like Twitter, Facebook and Google+. How Klout arrives at the score is anyone’s guess, but based on my observations, if you have a Twitter account, you automatically have 10, and people and brands have reached scores in the 80s and 90s.
How did I get to be so great? That’s not something that I think I can answer, because Klout’s calculations are shrouded in mystery. Also, I have fewer than 100 followers (which you can help change), so something seems out of whack there, but who am I to question the formulas of the mighty Klout?
I realize that with my new-found influence over the internet, and thus, society as a whole, I have a great responsibility. I’m like the Spider-Man of the inter-webs. Don’t worry, I plan to be a benevolent ruler, with kind words for most. But let’s face it, we need to fix a lot of things about the world before we can all relax, so I am here to give my first decrees as the juggernaut of modern society.
Stop wearing fedoras. White guys, we all wish we were in the 1960s, so we could basically treat everyone like crap and never lose a wink of sleep, but this isn’t Mad Men, this is real life, and that hat looks stupid on you. Women, minorities and old people, you’re good, though.
Don’t encourage the Kardashians. Together we defeated Paris Hilton a few years ago, and together we can wipe the Kardashians off the face of pop culture forever. Every minute you spend watching their shows and every dollar you spend on magazines with their faces on the cover only encourages them. It gives them money, too. This is 2011, if you want to see whores, about half the websites in existence stand ready to assist you.
Texting and driving is bad, but so is texting and walking. Seriously, you’re in my way. If you really must send a text message to someone, pull yourself away from foot traffic and let the rest of society go about its day without your hindrance.
Follow me on Twitter. Since I’m such an influential and important person, you really should follow me @BryanMcB. If you’re good, I’ll follow you back.