Day: December 13, 2011

Eat My Sports: How to beat your wife, in fantasy football

Well folks, in my young but promising career in fantasy football, I have now made it to the promised land of the playoffs for third time in a combined eight FF seasons. In my primary league amongst The Guys and our drinking buddies from college, the majority of us are married and have a hard time finding people that can tolerate us outside of our close circle of friends and wives. This year the pool for people to play FF was dwindling, so we had to ask the wives to play.

This was a grave mistake for most of the people in our group.

As the playoffs stand, Rick was eliminated by Mrs. Schools by one point in the final week of the regular season. If that’s not a kick in the gonads, I don’t know what is. McBournie, whose fantasy season has gone about as well as the 2011 Colts’ actual season, saw himself on the outside looking in as the wives had a 100% success rate on getting into the postseason. The madness has to end. Continue reading Eat My Sports: How to beat your wife, in fantasy football

Cookie doughs and don’ts

We have some further bad news for you, people who just went through a break-up: it’s just not safe to eat raw cookie dough.

We know. You always thought  it was safe to eat because eggs are pasteurized, but what about the flour? You didn’t consider the flour, did you? You never do, and that’s how we got into this crazy, mixed-up place.

It turns out that, this whole time? A lot of flour contains E. coli, which is fine, so long as you cook it. If you can’t be bothered to preheat an oven and operate a spatula 10-20 minutes later, then you become a statistic. At the very least, you can buy cookie dough ice cream, which is treated for raw consumption/putting on those healing pounds.

On the other hand, there is good news: booze gets you unsafe sex. So, put down that tube and tape on a couple of 40s. Your future kids will thank you.

Crazy cat lady dead, still crazy in death

I really don’t understand crazy people.

When they’re alive, they make everything weird. They don’t really add anything to the party, they just creep out everyone. Then they die, yet somehow, they still manage to make things weird, usually through a legacy of some sort. And I’m not talking about people with actual mental and chemical imbalances, I’m talking about the completely odd people: MJ, Howard Hughes, Nicholas Cage, those type of people. Oh, and Maria Assunta.

Maria Assunta left the fortune to her beloved kitty Tommaso when she died two weeks ago at the age of 94. The feline’s newfound riches include cash, as well as properties in Rome, Milan and land in Calabria.

For those curious, the fortune is valued at 13 million dollars. And it was given to a former stray cat. Mind you, for legal reasons, the money has been left to the cat via the nurse. But still. Congratulations, Assunta. Your legacy will now fuel a war for ages … for the wrong side.

Cows are an elusive species

Nebraska is a notoriously flat, treeless state. So it makes sense that large farm animals fine it the perfect setting to hide from local authorities. But fear not, Cornhuskers, the ninja cow has been caught, and probably coming to a grill near you.

The 1,500-lb. cow has been on the run, hiding in what more than a century ago was called “The Great American Desert” since it fell off a cattle truck (in other news, apparently there is such a thing as a “cattle truck”) in September, and it has managed to escape all the cowboys who attempted to wrangle in, earning for itself the nickname “ninja cow.” Last week she was caught, but then escaped, we’re assuming by using one of those smoke bomb things. Luckily, she was caught again the next day, and so far has not managed to escape again.

We can only assume that it will become a ninja burger in a matter of hours.