Day: December 16, 2011

You Missed It: Year of the drum circle

I’m sick of Christmas music. It’s only been a few weeks, but I just can’t take it anymore. This is a strange time of year, can you name one other holiday where we subject ourselves to the same songs year after year, trying to create a certain atmosphere. I don’t hate the songs themselves, it’s just that I can last about a week and a half of hearing the same eight songs sung by different people. That said, I’m working on a holiday album for next year. If you were busy getting named the next judge on America’s Got Talent this week, odds are you missed it.

Movers and shakers … and campers
You know those people camped out at your local park or near a government building? Next time you pass by, make sure to congratulate them. Time Magazine named “the protester” the Person of the Year. So there’s something they can be smug about. After all, there aren’t a ton of two-time winners walking the Earth–well, until this week.

Find a new excuse to drive poorly
This week, the National Transportation Safety Board called for a nationwide ban on all cellular phone use while driving, even when hands-free. The good news is that they didn’t say anything about eating, smoking, talking to passengers, fiddling with the radio, shaving, applying make-up, yelling at your children, fondling yourself or others, or giving yourself a pep-talk in the rear view mirror.

The ‘high’ is back in ‘high school’
A new study found that kids just aren’t drinking as much as they used to, but they’re not any soberer. Instead of boozing it up, teenagers are smoking more pot. Alcohol consumption levels have hit an all-time low amount teens, but marijuana use keeps climbing. In fact, one in 15 high-schoolers get high on a regular basis. Those respondents were easy to pick out because their every response in the written survey began with “Duuuuuuude.”

Things that you might not want to let be publically known

We don’t condone crime of any sort, but maybe next time you don’t let the populace find out about these things:

  • Your pilfering of a store in broad daylight while the statute is still live.
  • Sexual activities with any type of animal while in the presence of a cop that’s a member of PETA.
  • Your overseas and legal-in-three-island-nations marriage to a blow-up you found in an alleyway  and named Jamiroquai.
  • A 1:1 scale paper-mâché costume recreation of Brian Bosworth from Stone Cold.
  • Your fraternity survey asking, “If you could rape someone, who would it be?”

Nnnnnnnnhhhh.

It was the breast of times, the worst of times

Ladies and gentlemen, it is a sad day in the news for boobs.

LifeWay Christian Resource stores, which are part of the Southern Baptist Convention and dot intersections in Alabama like Dunkin Donuts in Boston, have decided that no breasts are worth a single abortion. They will no longer sell pink bibles because a portion of the profits (God needs to get his beak wet, too) from those sales goes to the Susan G. Komen Foundation, who in turn help fund Planned Parenthood’s screening efforts.

While it’s understandable that Lifeway is against abortion — because breast milk makes tits so much bigger — this could spell the end of PP’s “Grope & Mope (over your dead fetus) Tuesday” specials.

But, then there’s today’s Headline of the Day, courtesy of ABC News: “Ta-Ta! Woman’s Body ‘Swallows’ Breast Implant.”

Have a beautiful and bouncy day!

Christmas miracle

Animals feel relatively safe in the Southwest because there are so few humans living there. However, sometimes Mother Nature helps us out in our battles out there.

A Wal-Mart parking lot in Utah killed thousands of birds, and we didn’t have to do a thing to accomplish it. The birds mistook the snow-covered parking lot for a body of water (and who hasn’t made that mistake) and ended up crashing on their attempt to land. The same thing happened at nearby football fields and other open areas.

Stupid birds.