Day: December 20, 2011

Eat My Sports: Bah-humbug

Hello faithful readers. Today’s installment of Eat My Sports is slightly angry. Why, you ask? Because of two reasons. One, the Steelers blew a golden oppurtunity to take over the AFC playoff picture, and ade the 49ers look much better than they actually are in the process. Two, I’m still coping with the amount I had to drink in order to make that game watchable.

Nevermind that though, it’s the holiday season, a time for giving. So I am going to give you the official EMS version of the night before Christmas. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Bah-humbug

As Facebook use goes up, street cred for crime goes down

Bettysue Higgins, the now former administrative assistant for a law firm, has pleaded guilty to embezzlement charges after her fraudulent spending on casual video games was caught out.

Between 2006 and 2010, Higgins wrote approximately 220 checks using the forged signature of the firm’s executive director. In the last two years, 78 were

“deposited directly to her personal account and paid out the funds to Zynga YoVille and Zynga Mafia Wars.”

For those that don’t know, YoVille and Mafia Wars are social networking games played through Facebook.”

While the vast majority of the checks recently were for the games, they only constitute around $4,000 of the $166,000 in total she embezzled from the company. Nonetheless, embezzlement for Facebook games isn’t really something that’ll get you the alpha spot in prison. Worst of all, this is certainly action unexpected of a woman named Betty Sue, much less one with both Betty and Sue merged into one name.

Man just can’t give his sperm away

Fremont, California resident and frequent masturbator Trent Arsenault has been ordered by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to cease and desist giving cups of his batter away.

The FDA states that Arsenault must be tested before every sperm donation in accordance with laws on all human fluid donations. However, Arsenault would not be on the hook if, as his grandmother complains, he would just have sex with all these women like a decent Craigslist user.

To date, Arsenault has donated 348 love shots to 46 women who found him online. He describes his process:

“‘It only takes me 15 minutes to do my part,’ he said. ‘They’ll send me a text message, and by the time they get to my house, it’s hot off the press.'”

Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner was offended, saying that this was an obvious jab at the failing paper pornography industry, no matter how many times some photographer convinces a delusional Lindsay Lohan she’s Marilyn Monroe.

The taste of Christmas

Let’s be clear: The Guys aren’t anti-animals, we just don’t trust them and want humanity to be vigilant. That’s why we like Santa Claus. Sure, he has a team of flying reindeer pulling his sleigh, but he keeps them in line, even whipping them now and then.

And for your Christmas holiday, what better a snack could there be than reindeer meat? In the U.K., you can buy reindeer meat in the department store Harvey Nichols, but some group of vegetarians is crying foul. Let’s try to remember that vegetarians have a problem with all meat, not just reindeer.

Hey, Macy’s, perhaps it’s time you got into the butchering business.