Day: December 29, 2011

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Rare Exports’

Just because it’s four days after Christmas doesn’t mean that Christmas is over. I mean, yes, Christmas is technically over, but that doesn’t mean that the Christmas spirit should leave you. It also means that it’s still perfectly okay to watch Christmas movies.

And boy oh boy, do we have one heckuva Christmas movie at hand. The Santa at the center of Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is not the sort Mommy is likely to be kissing beneath the mistletoe (or anywhere else) this year. Rather, the focus of this bizarre Finnish fairy tale — as black as anything the Brothers Grimm could have dreamed up — is a sinister old codger who chews off ears and whose demon minion kidnaps innocent children. Looks like your Jewish friends were right about something. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Rare Exports’

These times, they be unchangin’

Science strikes another blow against industry, this time at that calendar store in the middle of the mall between the Sunglass Hut and the Dead Sea Salt pushers! Astrophysicist Richard Conn Henry and applied economist Steve Hanke have devised a calendar that simplifies the year so that each date will always fall on the same day of the week. Imagine:

  • MLB’s Opening Day always the same day of the year (barring any labor disputes)!
  • Hanukkah remaining a wild card that could happen anytime, while Christmas follows the yearly rigmarole, Sunday, December 25th, every year. *sigh*
  • Arbor Day — whenever the f@%k that is, only scheduled!

Yes, indeed, they’ve simplified it. No more counting months on your knuckles to figure out which months have 31 days. Now it’s every third month! And Leap Year? Forget about it. No more February 29th every four years! Instead, they’ll merely add an entirely unaccounted-for week at the end every fifth or sixth December.

Say goodbye to confusion (except when you’re trying to fill a mystery week that may be this year or next year), and say hello to having to justify buying a new calendar when last year’s Playmates are perfectly fine … just old.

How about Occupy Those Boobs, AMIRITEGIZE?

Finally, a protest we can almost get behind!

A Houston mom decided that she had had enough of being told what to do by Target employees. “Stop running away with those pretzels,” “this line is closed,” “you can’t buy that because we don’t have it in stock,” “put away your fun-bags” and other commands had been sent the way of Michelle Hickman for just too long! Being that we live in a civil society where everyone takes a pragmatic, well thought-out approach to their actions, Hickman did the only rational thing: create a flash mob-style nurse-in at a Target yesterday morning.

“I’ve gotten way more support than I imagined,” Hickman said today outside the Webster store.

Naturally, we assume that’s because she’s wearing a new bra and doesn’t have a kiddo suckling at her teet during the interview.

Church of the Nativity throwdown

What better way to celebrate the birthday of the Prince of Peace then by beating the crap out of your neighbor?

If you thought the Christmas season was over, you are way off. In fact, the Eastern Orthodox Church celebrates the birth of Jesus in January, probably because they can’t get enough of the holiday music.

Every year about this time, Orthodox priests clean up the Church of the Nativity, located at the site believed to be where Jesus was born. Two rival sides, the Armenian and Greek Orthodox churches, set aside their fierce rivalry and clean up the church to get ready for the big celebration.

A fight between the priests broke out because of accusations that someone stepped on someone else’s side. In the end, Palestinian security forces broke up the fight.

You know the situation’s bad when the Palestinians are the ones saying, “Settle down, guys. Let’s be reasonable!”