You Missed It: End of 2011 edition

So here we are, Dec. 30, 2011, the last SG post of the year. We hate those stupid year-in-review pieces every single publication spews out starting all month long, and I bet you think that’s what we’re going to do here as well. You’re wrong, because we’ve been telling you what happened all year long. We’re going to take the best of each month in this super-sized edition, because who doesn’t love a clip show? If you were busy being famous and dying this year, odds are you missed it.

January:
A time for action is here
A new Congress took session, bringing in a new era of legislation, a new hope for America. Here are the freshest appointments the citizens of the United States have elected to represent themselves. It’s time to take action! It’s time to show some muscle! It’s time to roll up the sleeves and start working together toward a better future! That’s why the first thing the House did was … read the Constitution, a document that hasn’t been altered at all since the senor George Bush administration. Next up on Congress’ reading list: Ender’s Game. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2011 edition

The Niña, the Pinta and the — Santa María, that burns!

It’s been nearly 65 years since Alphonse “Scarface” Capone died in Alcatraz in the middle of a then-historic sentence of 11 years for tax evasion. It was the best authorities could do since they couldn’t convict him of the many murders, racketeering and bootlegging that had been attributed over the years. But, it looks like somebody dished out a little prison justice, sapping Capone’s physical and mental faculties with chronic syphilis. And that someone? Christopher Columbus.

Scientists believe they have found evidence that proves the controversial “discoverer” of the New Wyrlde also brought home a scorching case of the clap, then unknown in the Olde Wyrlde. It spread quickly from sailors in port towns because, well, that’s what they do earl-eye in the mornin’.

So, there you have it. Chris Columbus redeems himself the teensiest-tiniest bit, Al Capone dies embarrassingly of venereal disease and Native Americans get some revenge for those small pox blankets. Happy Friday? Happy Friday.

Reason #56,349 why donuts are the best things in the world

At my local Sam’s Club, they offer a fairly large twisted churro for just over a buck. I’ve had it before. It’s sugary, it’s cinnamon-y and overall, it’s not too bad. Best of all, it doesn’t explode.

What’s that? You’ve never had exploding churros before? Well, truthfully, neither have I, but that’s probably because I’m not a reader of La Tercera, a Chilean newspaper that printed the recipe seven years ago. Mind you, the churros in the recipe weren’t supposed to explode hot oil upon their creators, but for 13 readers, they kinda did.

Which leads us to now: The Supreme Court for Chile has ordered La Tercera to pay 163 thousand dollars to the aforementioned 13 readers. This just reiterates why donuts are so good: They won’t cost you a ton of money and they won’t explode over you. Their damage is internal, not external.

Retailers love you when you’re drunk

If you read this blog, there’s a pretty good chance you enjoy bending an elbow every now and then. And with New Year’s Eve just around the corner you’re probably planning on having a few more than usual and perhaps making a bad choice or two.

This year, help out the economy by making one of those bad choices an online purchase. Retailers say the trend of sloshed shopping is increasing, and that’s a good thing. Having a few pops lowers your inhibitions, as we all know, and if you’re shopping, it makes you more likely to purchase things.

So drink up and get to it, the economy needs you.