Month: January 2012

Eat My Sports: Let’s drink

Alright kiddies, you’ve been patient through four meaningless pre-season weeks, 17 regular season weeks, three rounds of the playoffs and one god-awful Pro Bowl. It’s time. You’ve earned the right to kick back, relax, and enjoy the Super Bowl with a few buds, some suds or something harder (note: wine is not allowed to be drank during the Super Bowl if you’re a dude, Rick). But before you crack open the first can, here are some simple drinking rules for the Super Bowl, and as always, do not listen to us, you will probably die if you follow these rules.

Take a sip every time …
-Someone says the word “rematch”
-Chris Collinsworth or Al Michaels mentions 2007
-There is a Manning involved in a commercial
-There is a first down
-You feel the sudden urge to punch The Hoodie
-Every time NBC uses the word “relentless” to describe the Giants’pass rush
-Every Wes Welker or Victor Cruz reception
-There is a beer commercial
-Someone says “Manning”

Chug every time …
-NBC shows a shot of the press box with Peyton Manning giving Jim Irsay his best “#### you” look
-There is a play of 25+ yards
-There is a turnover
-Eli Manning looks like a lost four-year-old

Take a shot every time …
-There is a play of 25+ yards that results in a touchdown
-There is a TAINT
-Kickoff or punt return for touchdown
-Manning or Brady takes a shot
-A team wins the game (this way everybody wins, including you!)

Just empty the bottle if …
-Someone mentions a Brett Favre comeback
-Brady gets a short field only needing a field goal to win the game (the only way he can)
-Manning’s lucky ass is saved by a helmet catch (this turns to two bottles if NBC has Rodney Harrison be a sideline reporter after the catch)
-Dan Patrick inadvertently says “en fuego”

So, what’s the call?
Giants 31 Patriots 24

But once again, SG reiterates: DO NOT PLAY BY THESE RULES, YOU WILL PROBABLY DIE.

The sky is a man and clouds are hot women

We now have factual proof of gender and objects in the world above us. How so?

Last week, blue balls fell from the sky in England.

As such, the sky is clearly a dude and he’s surrounded by tons of hot women clouds. That is the only logical idea I can take away from the incident. Blue ice? Water beads? Alien glass? Leftovers from when the International Space Station first went up? No way, brah, it’s totally a case of near-testicular torsion, at the sky level.

How I Met Your Schnauzers

A ranger at Rancho Corral de Tierra near Montara — part of the Golden Gate National Recreation Area near San Francisco, Calif. — opened fire (with her stun gun) on a man walking his two small dogs off-leash. This was after the man reportedly gave the ranger a fake name and tried to walk off.

By the laws of nature and men, the ranger has established dominance over the small dogs’ master; therefore, the pack is hers.

‘Service could have been better’

The Internet has been widely used for a good 15 years by now, and women are just now getting around to finding ways to use it for evil.

We’re not talking about Pintrest or cat photos, we’re talking about bad boyfriend reviews. Go ahead and Google for “Matthew Couloute.” We hope you’re doing this in a separate window, so you can keep it here at SG. What you’ll find is a negative review from an ex-girlfriend on LiarsCheatersRUs.com, catchy name.

Couloute is now suing his ex over the review because it ranks so highly in any given search engine, thus ruining his online reputation in a single post. It should also be noted that he’s a lawyer, so this is kind of his thing. So take warning, fellow dudes, you might be graded on a Yelp-like site someday.

The McBournie Minute: Do not make Liam Neeson mad

Every Thursday, my office does a ritual performed and held-sacred by so many other offices throughout the U.S.: we go to happy hour and drink beer. During that time, we discuss the important, topical issues that you might expect a D.C.-office to delve into, such as who’s going to order an appetizer and “Hey, isn’t that Liam Neeson?”

Commercials for The Grey have been everywhere lately, and Americans noticed, because it won the box office weekend. I haven’t seen the movie, but I can tell you that it’s about a plane crash in Alaska, and the survivors have to walk all the way to civilization to survive, but a pack of wolves is after them. And that scene where Neeson runs in slow-motion with glass taped to the knuckles of one hand and a knife in the other, that’s probably at the end. (The Guys admire the film’s firm anti-animal stance.) It’s his latest action movie, yet he’s turning 60 this year.

Why is Liam Neeson so badass all of a sudden and why do people/animals keep trying to mess with him? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Do not make Liam Neeson mad

Jamie Oliver hates the environment, animals

McDonald’s (which is popular on the site today) has caved to British television chef, Jamie Oliver, in what is the latest salvo in his War to Waste Food.

The fast food giant pledged to stop using “pink slime,” a product of treating lean beef scraps with ammonia to render them safe for human consumption, in their hamburger patties. Which means that when the sign out front says “over 250 billion served,” they could mean the number of cows or acres of rainforest consumed by increased cattle-herding.

In the past, Mr. Oliver railed against the use of what is normally considered unusable scraps, including ground-up bone and marrow in chicken nuggets. This led to certain meat dispensaries, including Wendy’s, to start selling “all white meat” nuggets. Environmental scientists still haven’t gauged the groundwater damage caused by the increased demand for whole chickens, whose feces must be managed properly.

Meanwhile, in the factory district just outside town: Oscar Meyer hot dogs are still not made from 100 percent Kobe beef. This looks like a job for … some British TV star!

Surprise: girl that wears trashy shirt has trashy diet, may die in trash

Whenever you watch a movie or television and you see a British person, the natural assumption is that they’re smart. I mean, their accent is so smooth and it sounds so educated that everything they do just has to be right because they’re so smart and literary and scholarly, right?

That’s why SeriouslyGuys is always here to let you know that the British are just as stupid as the rest of the world. And to do so, we’d like to introduce you to 17 year old Stacey Irvine. Stacey Irvine has apparently known only a diet of chicken nuggets for the past 15 years. We only know this because she has copped to it after collapsing at her factory job. Three cheers for Oliver Twist era working conditions making a comeback!

If this is true, this is not a smart move. This is not a scholarly move. This is a horrible move that not even is seen in the fattest, most unhealthy corners of the United States.

U-S-A, U-S-A!

In Sweden, mice are legal tender

How do you build a better mouse trap? Make it give out money.

An ATM in Sweden is showing us that our greatest weapons in a war can serve more than one purpose. It was there that a man withdrew from his account, and ended up getting more than just his cash. There was a mouse inside the dispenser, fighting to stay inside. The mouse was eventually pulled out, but it lost its tail in the process. It also managed to escape authorities.

What if American ATMs could become on-demand mouse-killing machines? Perhaps banks would stop coming up with creative new charges.

You Missed It: Altered State of the Union edition

I’m just going to come right out and say it: Facebook’s Timeline profile page layout really sucks. I’m sure it’s just another change that everyone will get used to in time, but I really don’t like it, simply because it makes everything harder to read. Rather than a list or feed format, posts are on alternating sides of a line. At least Twitter’s not changing its layout, amiright? If you were busy planning a moon colony this week, odds are you missed it.

Union, drinks still strong
On Tuesday, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address, and he sounded like he was back into his campaigning, animated tone, as opposed to the boring, wordy tone we’ve heard for the past three years. He had some bold new ideas, including saying “jobs,” “progress,” “economy,” “freedom” and other words to get the American public drunk as quickly as possible, because they have to get up in the morning and go to their jobs and support the economy. Drink twice.

The Nanny in spaaaaaaaaaace
Remember actress Fran Drescher? It seems like she fell of the face of the Earth, doesn’t it? As it turns out, she may have, and she’s got the scars to prove it. Drescher said that when they were kids, she and her husband were abducted by aliens. What’s worse is that they have matching scars from where the aliens implanted some sort of tracking chips into their bodies. Someone’s jockeying for her own reality show a little too hard.

Another aspect of stay-at-home mothering
More American women are choosing to give birth at home, according to a new study. From 2004 to 2009, the number of women poppin’ ’em out at home jumped by 29%. In related news, the carpet-cleaning industry also saw significant growth during the same time frame.