Day: January 6, 2012

You Missed It: Show us your caucus edition

Well, that’s one week down. There are only 51 more of them this year. January has to be one of the worst months around, and not just because it’s cold. A week ago, we were laughing and partying and playing seasonal music. Everyone was in a great mood and they even allowed themselves a little optimism. Why not? It was the holidays. Now, it’s just January. There’s nothing to look forward to but cold weather and bad drivers. We should move New Year’s to late January, then we’d have something keeping us going after the hangover from Christmas had passed. If you were busy getting engaged or divorced this week, odds are you missed it.

The hicks people of Iowa have spoken
For one night every four years, Iowa matters. The media turns to the state, which I think is somewhere in the Midwest, for the caucus, and ancient and antiquated system of choosing political party’s presidential candidate. This week, Mitt Romney beat Rick Santorum by just eight votes. People have made fun of Santorum’s last name, but it’s important to remember that Romney’s first name is Willard.

Checking in on Tiger Woods’ money
Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren, and for my money, the hotter of the Nordegren twins, bought a $12.3 million oceanfront mansion in Florida and immediately tore it down (not literally, she hired someone else to do it). She’s planning to build a new mansion on the site. Who’s the homewrecker now?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York have made “supersoldier” ants. We’re not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they so this really cool shield-throwing trick.

What do you mean, ‘you fish?’

Animals are disgusting. It’s a fact. From the slime slugs exude for locomotion to the faces humans make during sex, we are a revolting form of life.

But what’s even sicker than when we embrace our own disgusting nature? When we adopt the habits of others. And, that’s why we’re presenting the fish that mimics an octopus who mimics fish as a cautionary tale of the cycles we create when we refuse to be ourselves.

The future is here, and yet, so is the past

It’s no jet-pack but it’ll have to do for me in regards to this being the future.

Scientists have managed to create a “time cloak.” That sounds incredibly impressive and horribly confusing, both at the same time. Which is just great.

To sum it up in layman’s terms, time scientists have sort of created a hole in time using light to essentially make things invisduhbull. While, yes, this is some kind of Harry Potter shi….stuff, the real point of it is that you can use the cloak, theoretically, to hide your porn.

Science helping men and porn: that’s really what matters in the long run.

One town is fighting back

In case you haven’t read it, the Second Amendment gives us the right to bear arms. That means that every American has the right to carry firearms for hunting and self defense. Sometimes those two purposes can be the same thing.

Gene Schenberg has had his home invaded repeatedly, and though he is safe, he’s ready to fight back. That’s why he’s arguing it’s his right to shoot the squirrels that enter his home and sit in his yard. He’s not alone. Other residents of Chesterfield, Missouri have been using shotguns to take out the tree rodents.

We salute you, entire town of warriors!