Day: January 13, 2012

You Missed It: Hypothetical question edition

Another week over, and another state primary done with. I don’t particularly care about the results of the New Hampshire primary, I just like that people are getting nastier and, more importantly, dropping out of the race and shutting up. I can see that if the state you live in has a primary coming up you would be interested in it, but to me, it’s just another group of people voting on something that really won’t affect me. It’s not like I let people in other states influence how I vote, right, South Carolina? If you were busy illegally pardoning murders this week, odds are you missed it.

The NFL wants Tebow’s seed
It’s been slow for the NFL this week. There are fewer teams playing, and so there’s less to cover. So to pass the time, NFL.com started asking what the offspring would look like if quarterback Tim Tebow married someone famous. The list included Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and Beyonce. In case you’re wondering, the NFL believes that if Tim Tebow and Rep. Michelle Bachmann were to marry and produce a live-born child, their crotch fruit would look like Justin Bieber. No really, they put up a picture of him.

Results may vary
Fred Durst, who some of you may remember as that guy who always wore red Yankees hats and clucked along to metal songs, is on a 60-day all-juice diet, for some reason, and he’s blogging about it. He’s been into it for nearly two weeks now, and it doesn’t sound like things are going well. He said he just doesn’t seem to be losing weight quickly, but he feels great inside. So for all those of you who have been wonder what Fred Durst’s dumps are like, you’re welcome.

Woman doesn’t like Boners BBQ
Atlanta is home to Boners BBQ, as in, “We brought y’all some Boners for lunch!” But apparently Boners is really quite sensitive. Recently, a woman gave the establishment a negative review on Yelp. Even though this happens to every restaurant, it really got Boners’ dander up. The place found a picture of the woman, put it up on its Facebook page and warned other places about her. Now the restaurant is dealing with the backlash. The upside of this is that there are serious headlines out there with the word “Boners” in them.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Torrents

Sweden — famous for their meatballs, erotica and competitive bikini-wearing (see image) — has recognized a new religion, the Church of Kopimism.

Kopimism — based on the Swedish words for “copy me” — is based partially on the belief that all information is sacred and, therefore, free to share a la Pirate Bay. (Another belief is that all communication is sacred should remain private.) Their new status as a recognized religion grants them protections in Sweden for violating copyrights.

The Guys think this is such a great idea that we’ve decided to found our own religion, the Church of Free Movies and Music and Stuff. Look for our upcoming Web site, which looks just like the Kopimists’ site, only with our name on top. We’ll probably clean up some of their meatballed English while we’re at it.

Not so good, not so bad

In news from 2005 2012, a judge in Alabama signed an order declaring that missing white girl Natalee Holloway has been legally declared dead.

In other news, a disheveled Nancy Grace was seen puttering around town clutching a brown paper bag and muttering to herself “Just what am I gonna do for ratings or segments or anything at all NOW?”

Iowa is a rough town, err, state

Iowa is a rough place, and Des Moines (pronounced “Des Moines,” for our non-Midwestern audience) is no exception. The police there have a tough job, and they do it bravely. But Officer Andrew Pirtle had a day he never saw coming.

The police officer was told that a man carrying two stuffed animals had just messed up a convenience store, and brother, there are just some things you can’t let slide in Des Moines. The officer stopped the suspect and they talked for a bit, then things turned ugly.

It was then that the suspect began hitting the officer with the stuffed monkeys, pink and orange, according to the police report. Luckily, the suspect was arrested and the officer was able to recover at home, no doubt haunted by what he saw that day.