Day: January 23, 2012

The McBournie Minute: Great, Rand Paul is on my flight

Sen. Rand “Randy” Paul made headlines today fighting for all of us Americans against a government that has grown too powerful and overzealous. We cannot let the fascist regime win, and Paul was setting an example that we should all follow. For those of you who are confused, Rand Paul is the son of Rep. Ron Paul, who is running for president. You know, the guy who even Fox News won’t take seriously.

The Transportation Security Administration is a pretty big target for government criticism, and rightly so. They have searched our seniors, nuns, children and even confiscated our cupcakes, all under the guise of providing us with some semblance of “national security,” like a big, expensive opera we all get to join.

The American people don’t buy it and neither does Rand Paul. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Great, Rand Paul is on my flight

The most unimaginable results

“How would you describe your pain on a scale from 0 to 10, 0 meaning ‘none at all’ and 10 meaning ‘the most imaginable?'”

If you’ve ever gone to the hospital for anything other than a check-up or to laugh at sick people, then you’ve been asked this question. And after years of asking patients for their completely subjective interpretation of a pain scale ranging from none to Michael Bay, medical professionals have finally learned something: men are more imaginative than women.

Comparing the results of men’s responses to women’s yielded a full point difference on average, with women more likely to rate their pain higher towards “the most imaginable.” Men, meanwhile — conditioned on Predator movies and The Three Stooges — are more likely to believe that a new, higher level of pain almost always exists above where they are. We’re pretty sure it involves testicles and a juicer.

Pen mightier than sword but brain mightier than nail

We’ve all played the high-stakes game of Rock Paper Scissors. Rock beats scissors, paper beats rock, scissors beat paper. But for the longest time, nothing really beat a nail, and for good reason: they hurt a lot! There’s a good reason why it’s not unusual to see nail guns used in video games, as they shoot high-velocity projectiles that inflict this troubling little sensation called massive amounts of pain.

But that’s not how Dante Autullo rolls, son.

Autullo was minding his own business, toiling away in his workshop when a nail gun randomly shot off. It wasn’t until the next day did he discover that the gun had shot a 3 and a quarter inch nail into his brain. That’s not even something Johnny Knoxville and crew would do. Outside of feeling nauseous and having the slight issue of a nail in his head, Autullo had no problems at all. WOW.

Not quite a Molotov cocktail

There are times when you just want to get drunk and destroy things with your sibling. It’s a feeling we all feel at the tender age of 25.

A brother and sister decided it was about time they got hammered and set a car on fire. The first part of the plan worked perfectly. Inebriated, and for a motive that the police have not released, the two alleged tried to set a car on fire by setting a tampon on fire (who knew those things were so useful?), then putting it in the gas tank.

Somehow, it didn’t work. But don’t be surprised if we see more tampon-related acts of terrorism in the weeks ahead. Remember, Courtney Love can read, allegedly.