Day: January 27, 2012

You Missed It: Altered State of the Union edition

I’m just going to come right out and say it: Facebook’s Timeline profile page layout really sucks. I’m sure it’s just another change that everyone will get used to in time, but I really don’t like it, simply because it makes everything harder to read. Rather than a list or feed format, posts are on alternating sides of a line. At least Twitter’s not changing its layout, amiright? If you were busy planning a moon colony this week, odds are you missed it.

Union, drinks still strong
On Tuesday, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address, and he sounded like he was back into his campaigning, animated tone, as opposed to the boring, wordy tone we’ve heard for the past three years. He had some bold new ideas, including saying “jobs,” “progress,” “economy,” “freedom” and other words to get the American public drunk as quickly as possible, because they have to get up in the morning and go to their jobs and support the economy. Drink twice.

The Nanny in spaaaaaaaaaace
Remember actress Fran Drescher? It seems like she fell of the face of the Earth, doesn’t it? As it turns out, she may have, and she’s got the scars to prove it. Drescher said that when they were kids, she and her husband were abducted by aliens. What’s worse is that they have matching scars from where the aliens implanted some sort of tracking chips into their bodies. Someone’s jockeying for her own reality show a little too hard.

Another aspect of stay-at-home mothering
More American women are choosing to give birth at home, according to a new study. From 2004 to 2009, the number of women poppin’ ’em out at home jumped by 29%. In related news, the carpet-cleaning industry also saw significant growth during the same time frame.

Begun the Lego Star Wars have

A new front in the space race has opened. Two Canadian teenagers, Mathew Ho and Asad Muhammad, have sent a Lego man 15 miles up into the atmosphere for a measly $400.

Our brothers from the norther side of the border launched their Legonaut using a weather balloon, onboard cameras and a GPS-equipped cell phone from Ontario. It drifted back to Canadian soil by parachute only 75 miles away from their launch site, where witnesses claim an alien spacecraft crashed while their government insists some swamp gas flared up.

We offer Ho and Muhammad our congratulations with the caveat that they promise not to destroy our crumbling space program the way Avril Lavigne did with punk rock.

And now, another moment in ‘What not to say’

“On an army base” edition:

  • “The secret ingredient is poison” – mess hall head cook
  • “Who wants to play knife fight?” – boot camp attendee
  • “Hey, let’s smack this crappy fellow private with a sock filled with soap.” – other boot camp attendee
  • “So, I’ve got this idea for a plague…” – research scientist
  • “Wasn’t Stop-Loss such a great movie?” – Army recruiter
  • “Joining Al Qaeda and declaring jihad on the United States of America is looking really good right now.” – 4 star general
  • “It’s probably a bomb.” – package courier

Nein lives

Cats are evil. We know this, because many of us own them, and they never obey us unless we hold a can of their food. However, few of us realize that cats are deadly killers.

Sure, our alleged “Federal Bureau of Investigation” would have us believe that a paroled killer was about to do it all again, but we know better. The man, allegedly, of course, planned to extort his wealthy victim, who was also quite affectionate with his wife, and then kill him, then blame it on the man’s cat. I think we know better.

An unidentified informant the reason police were able to stop this murder in the works. That should be up for debate, because we all know that an animal would do anything to frame its owner or its owners’ friends to keep the sinister plot from being known.