Day: January 31, 2012

Eat My Sports: Let’s drink

Alright kiddies, you’ve been patient through four meaningless pre-season weeks, 17 regular season weeks, three rounds of the playoffs and one god-awful Pro Bowl. It’s time. You’ve earned the right to kick back, relax, and enjoy the Super Bowl with a few buds, some suds or something harder (note: wine is not allowed to be drank during the Super Bowl if you’re a dude, Rick). But before you crack open the first can, here are some simple drinking rules for the Super Bowl, and as always, do not listen to us, you will probably die if you follow these rules.

Take a sip every time …
-Someone says the word “rematch”
-Chris Collinsworth or Al Michaels mentions 2007
-There is a Manning involved in a commercial
-There is a first down
-You feel the sudden urge to punch The Hoodie
-Every time NBC uses the word “relentless” to describe the Giants’pass rush
-Every Wes Welker or Victor Cruz reception
-There is a beer commercial
-Someone says “Manning”

Chug every time …
-NBC shows a shot of the press box with Peyton Manning giving Jim Irsay his best “#### you” look
-There is a play of 25+ yards
-There is a turnover
-Eli Manning looks like a lost four-year-old

Take a shot every time …
-There is a play of 25+ yards that results in a touchdown
-There is a TAINT
-Kickoff or punt return for touchdown
-Manning or Brady takes a shot
-A team wins the game (this way everybody wins, including you!)

Just empty the bottle if …
-Someone mentions a Brett Favre comeback
-Brady gets a short field only needing a field goal to win the game (the only way he can)
-Manning’s lucky ass is saved by a helmet catch (this turns to two bottles if NBC has Rodney Harrison be a sideline reporter after the catch)
-Dan Patrick inadvertently says “en fuego”

So, what’s the call?
Giants 31 Patriots 24

But once again, SG reiterates: DO NOT PLAY BY THESE RULES, YOU WILL PROBABLY DIE.

The sky is a man and clouds are hot women

We now have factual proof of gender and objects in the world above us. How so?

Last week, blue balls fell from the sky in England.

As such, the sky is clearly a dude and he’s surrounded by tons of hot women clouds. That is the only logical idea I can take away from the incident. Blue ice? Water beads? Alien glass? Leftovers from when the International Space Station first went up? No way, brah, it’s totally a case of near-testicular torsion, at the sky level.

How I Met Your Schnauzers

A ranger at Rancho Corral de Tierra near Montara — part of the Golden Gate National Recreation Area near San Francisco, Calif. — opened fire (with her stun gun) on a man walking his two small dogs off-leash. This was after the man reportedly gave the ranger a fake name and tried to walk off.

By the laws of nature and men, the ranger has established dominance over the small dogs’ master; therefore, the pack is hers.

‘Service could have been better’

The Internet has been widely used for a good 15 years by now, and women are just now getting around to finding ways to use it for evil.

We’re not talking about Pintrest or cat photos, we’re talking about bad boyfriend reviews. Go ahead and Google for “Matthew Couloute.” We hope you’re doing this in a separate window, so you can keep it here at SG. What you’ll find is a negative review from an ex-girlfriend on LiarsCheatersRUs.com, catchy name.

Couloute is now suing his ex over the review because it ranks so highly in any given search engine, thus ruining his online reputation in a single post. It should also be noted that he’s a lawyer, so this is kind of his thing. So take warning, fellow dudes, you might be graded on a Yelp-like site someday.