MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Room’

Posted on February 2, 2012
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Not all that glitters is gold, and not all that’s love is good. Sometimes love is wrong, so very, very wrong. That is the lesson I will impart to you this month.

We’ll kick it off with The Room. Yes, that The Room.

You might’ve heard about The Room before, notably because of how bad it is, and kids, it’s bad on an epic scale. The simple gist is that is a San Francisco-set love triangle involving a banker named Johnny, his friend Mark, and Johnny’s fiancée Lisa, who is sleeping with both men. The film does seem to be beset with problems. Various subplots are inadequately resolved or simply disappear altogether, including the throwaway revelation that Lisa’s mother is suffering from cancer. The film’s many rooftop shots feature an unrealistic San Francisco backdrop, thanks to some less-than-impressive green screen work. There are lengthy, highly unerotic sex scenes. Finally, in one sequence, a sharp bone seems about to erupt from Lisa’s neck for no reason at all.

So, there’s a love triangle, and who’s love is the worst? Why, Johnny’s, of course.

Johnny thinks that candles, rose petals, lace curtains billowing in the wind and his pockmarked ass is the key to winning Lisa’s cheating heart. But it’s not. Howling ”You are tearing me apart, Lisa!” will not win her back. Being stable and faithful matters not. None of that works for Lisa. Why?

Because despite what is thought, women are not terrible, irrational, manipulative creatures who get off on toying with the hearts of good men. Also, no one likes a loud piece of Euro(maybe?)trash that’s horrible in bed. That’s probably something to take into effect as well.

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor