Day: February 3, 2012

You Missed It: Hats off edition

I’m going to give you the heads up that I’m phoning it in this week. I’ve been so busy stressing over my team, the New England Patriots facing off once again with the New York Giants in the Super Bowl. If there’s anyone still reading this, I’m only kidding. The past two weeks have been great. I’ve finally had time to sit down and not care about what’s going on in the NFL. It’s not like the Pro Bowl is something to care about. In any case, I am looking forward to the Pats wiping that “gee-golly-gosh” look off of Eli Manning’s face. Wait, no, that’s permanent. If you were busy filing an IPO this week, odds are you missed it.

The revolution begins
Less than a month ago, I called upon the men of this nation to collectively make a new headdress commonplace for us dudes, specifically, the tricorn hat. On media day, some of the Patriots, including cornerback Devin McCourty, did just that. They wore a red tricorn hat, possibly because it worked with the whole “patriot” thing. Either way, I CALLED IT!

Sing along with Mitt
Two weeks ago, President Barack Obama sang a few bars of “Let’s Stay Together.” Well, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney will not be outdone. He will do or say just about anything to win your vote, and that’s why the people of Florida love him. At a campaign stop with some seniors, Romney sang a full verse of “America The Beautiful,” and later in the week walked away winning the state. You hear that, Obama? Romney can sing a full verse of a patriotic song, because that’s what winners do.

Harry Potter and the Perpetual Hangover
Daniel Radcliffe admitted this week to being drunk in some scenes in the Harry Potter series. He said that back then he was having trouble coping with all the fame, and turned to drinking every night. While he didn’t drink on the job, he would wake up and show up for work still drunk. This explains the scene in Order of the Phoenix, where Harry Potter slurs to Hermione that her “ass looks really great tonight.”

Here’s Johnn — whoops, sorry about that, please carry on

Massachusetts isn’t exactly a place where you expect the FBI to make raids on. That might be why there’s now an issue.

In an attempt to protect the world from COBRA VENOM the Decepticons terror, the FBI made one of their signature raids, guns (possibly) a-blazing and (definitely) chainsaws a-raring. Down went the apartment door! A woman and a young woman were made prisoners of the inner arm of the United States government!

Except, it turns out that the wrong apartment door was taken down. And the woman and young woman? A mother and daughter, made hostages at gunpoint of the inner arm of the government for half an hour. That silent and stealthy approach to making a raid? Potentially ruined by using a chainsaw, especially on the wrong target. Whoopsidoodle.

A not-so-Super Sunday

Why, hello there, reader. Big plans for the weekend? Well, before you let the crazy train leave suburban station, there are a couple of things you need to be aware of.

First, the U.S. House of Representatives would prefer it if you didn’t spend your welfare check on strippers. They passed a bill that “would bar welfare recipients from spending their benefits in strip clubs and casinos,” saying that kind of behavior is better paid through Republican donor parties.

And if that wasn’t weird enough, guess who’s going after child sex trafficking? No, the Catholic Church. (I know, right?) A team of nuns have alerted over 200 hotels in the Indianapolis area so they’ll know what child sex looks like for the Super Bowl. Nobody’s sure why the Super Bowl would be a banner day for pederasty — maybe because nothing sets the mood like the Puppy Bowl — but, it looks like we’re gonna have to settle for nachos and beer this year.

Ice is illegal (in some cases)

If you read this blog often, you know that The Guys are of discerning taste. Simply put, we are the high-class. That’s why we are sad that we have to cancel our trip to Chile.

It was there that a man was arrested for allegedly stealing ice from a glacier so that he could sell it as designer ice cubes. Authorities say he stole about 5.5 tons from the Jorge Montt glacier, which is already melting as it is.

Now where are we going to get designer ice cubes for our drinks this weekend?