Day: February 10, 2012

You Missed It: In the Army now edition

I remember when Episode I first came out. The hype was everywhere–Star Wars merchandizing was on every possible product one could think of. This was before they figured out that the new trilogy should be targeted primarily at children. Then everyone realized it was a terrible movie, and it ended up being the worst out of all six. Now it’s back in theaters and in 3-D this time. Fanboys, if you want George Lucas to stop crapping on your childhood, stop giving him your money. If you were busy flipping off America during the Super Bowl this week, odds are you missed it.

A woman’s place is in the mess hall
Women. Right? They can be crazy, as every guy knows. Fear not, dudes, Rick Santorum is totally with you on this one. Fresh off of winning three more state primaries, Santorum said on Thursday that he doesn’t think women should serve in combat roles because of “other types of emotions that are involved.” Yeah, man. Like, if you give a woman a gun, you just know she’s going to start PMSing and end up shooting people unprovoked, and other women will start syncing up with her. Before long, you’ll have a crazy-bitch army. Actually, that sounds like a pretty effective deterrent.

Extremely cold and incredibly snowy
Most of Europe is buried in snow and dealing with colder-than-normal temperatures. In fact the canals in Venice have frozen over. The harsh winter has been causing problems all over the continent, especially with traffic. We’ve heard it’s so bad in some countries that people are driving their Vespas on the wrong side of the road.

Vampire Nicolas Cage: I’m not a vampire
Remember last fall when that mid-1800s photograph of a dude that looked like Nicolas Cage started circulating around the Internet? Well, Cage is here to tell you that he is not a vampire, existing ageless for hundreds of years. That seems sort of obvious, the guy in the old picture has way more hair.

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be IT professionals

A country-ass “IT professional” dad, Tommy Jordan, was shocked — shocked — that his teenage daughter posted something bitchy about her family to her friends on Facebook. So, taking a page from Dr. Spock, he took her laptop to a field and recorded a YouTube video of himself reading her post, responding to it, grounding her and then emptying his .45’s clip into said laptop for her — and we quote — “childish behavior.”

He then posted that video to her Facebook wall, from which she is grounded. (He said it was a message to her friends, who we’re sure will respond in equally mature fashion.)

That’ll teach her to be a teenager.

Since then,  “Mr.” Jordan has declined any and all interviews, saying that he can’t believe people would view what he publicly posted, respond and criticize him on television.

Hello Overload

Good news for Bryan Schools: Taiwan-based airline EVA Air will be rolling out Hello Kitty based flights for the Taipei market. From the outside in, everything is Hello Kitty, from the baggage tags to the headrests to special meals. You can even get Hello Kitty pasta from the stewardess, who will of course be in a Hello Kitty apron.

I feel diabetic.

Now these flights are not going everywhere in the world. You can see the basic schedule of flights below.

Magic Jet flies Taipei-Sapporo (BR116/115) daily and Taipei-Guam (BR20/19) on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
Apple Jet flies Taipei-Fukuoka (BR2106/2105) every Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday; Taipei-Seoul (BR160/159) daily.
Global Jet flies Taipei-Hong Kong (BR857/858) and Taipei-Tokyo (BR2189/2197) daily.

This isn’t the first time that EVA air has done this. They introduced the Hello Kitty themed planes back in 2005, but they had to stop the flights in 2009 because the contract expired. Either way, your (and Bryan Schools’) Hello Kitty dream flight is back and ready to board. Now if you will excuse us, we have to take the incredibly cute airsick bag and go throw up some rainbows.

That is not a euphemism.

Coming soon: Secret Nazi polar base

Did Nazis establish a secret base in Antarctica? No, but it sure makes for some great news stories, doesn’t it?

There’s been a theory for decades that the Nazis built a small base just south of South America to repair ships and U-boats. It gets more elaborate, but it’s all so implausible that we won’t bore you with the details. Why is this news? Because of the Russians. They’re drilling into an ancient lake in Antarctica near where the Nazi base was supposed to have been.

They haven’t found anything German, or at least that’s what they’re saying. It’s exactly what someone covering up a secret Nazi base would say.