Day: February 16, 2012

MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Bellflower’

How would you prepare for the end of the world? Or, better yet…how would you prepare for the post-apocalypse? The day when the world is dust, the population is ravished, the landscapes are deserts, and the road is everywhere and everything. Basically, the world is Australia. How would you prepare? How could you?

You can cower in a corner at the thought, or you can devote your adult life to building flamethrowers and finding ways to inject your muscle car with steroids so that you can rule the land, run the gamut. And in the meantime, while you wait for the end of the world, you can ride around in a vehicle built for pure testosterone and testicles. If you chose the latter of the two options, then you’re obviously trying to recreate The Bellflower. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Bellflower’

You there! Cancer or death?

The Guys take comedy very seriously, and when a new advancement is made in the field of practical jokes, then we feel that it is our responsibility — nay, our duty — to give it the recognition it deserves. Would the inventor of the exploding cigar-sized electronic cigarette please step forward?

Thanks to your efforts, Unidentified Purveyor of Alternative Nicotine Dispensers, a new generation will know the joy of exploding cigars as leaf-based smoking products continue their death march to illegality. And, let’s not forget the cultural impact of your invention: thousands of animated shorts from the 1930s, ’40s and ’50s will remain relevant for using the analog equivalent to your fine product.

But, it also improves on the original. Whereas the analog exploding cigar would blacken the victim’s face and — at its inflammatory — inspire minstrelsy, the digital model induces severe burns, knocks out teeth, severs portions of the tongue and ejects the flaming battery, causing a structure fire if left unchecked.

So, step forward and accept your reward. And afterwards, we’ll smoke a congratulatory e-cigarette. Don’t worry; we always have seltzer bottles on hand. We’re comedy professionals.

School says kids should eat healthier with potentially unhealthier foods, not obviously healthier foods

Nutrition for children isn’t exactly a gray area. Chicken nuggets, obviously, fall under the purview of unhealthy when compared to a turkey sandwich on whole-wheat bread, especially when said sandwich is coupled with a banana and apple juice.

Well, they do in most parts of the world. Where the comparison fails, though, is in Bizarro World, also known as Raeford, North Carolina.

A preschooler brought the aforementioned healthy lunch, along with potato chips, to school. This was a horrible thing to do, because a representative for the Department of Health and Human Services, coincidentally enough checking all lunchboxes that day, decided that the school provided lunch (chicken nuggets, milk, two servings of fruit or veggies and one serving of grain) was better than home provided lunch.

Technically and in the strictest sense, that’s true, but …. chicken nuggets? Really?

The poll of the living dead

A lot of concern has been expressed by the public in recent months about Super PACs and their ability to influence elections. But we’re not here to bore you with all of that nonsense. There’s a far more sinister force at work, trying to hijack our Democratic Republican system and everything we hold dear: zombies.

According to the Pew Center on the States (so you know we’re not talking out of our asses), approximately 1.8 million registered voters are actually dead. On top of that, 2.75 million voters are registered in more than one state. So that means that some of these zombies not only have the power to vote, but they also have the power to commit voter fraud.

Uncle Sam, it’s time to grab your shotgun.