Day: February 17, 2012

You Missed It: Airbrushed Adele edition

February’s federal holidays are all mixed up. A lot of people have next Monday off because of President’s Day, when we’re supposed to somehow celebrate the fact that we have a president, or something like that. Meanwhile, we all had to work for Valentine’s Day and the day after. I think we should get off the day after V-Day. Everyone’s up late. They’re either celebrating with some wine, or they’re getting drunk to numb their lonely selves with whiskey. Either way, a few extra hours of sleep would be idea. If you were found dead this week, odds are you missed it.

Dude, you’re getting Adele
It’s been quite a week for Adele, who I have to assume misplaced her last name at some point. First, she cleaned up at the Grammys, then she graced the cover of Vogue magazine. The only thing is, she looks like she’s dropped about 20 lbs, which is angering her fans, as well as people who like plus-sized models. They are shocked–shocked–that magazine covers are touched up. Don’t worry, there will always be Christina Aguilera every other month.

Female body inspectors
Our nation’s hot chicks have to deal with a lot of unwanted attention from people like us, you know the creepers. But now it might be the federal government being creepy, the TSA, to be exact. Some women are coming forward with complaints that TSA agents made them get repeated body scans because they are attractive. But look at it from the TSA’s point of view: Isn’t a pretty lady the perfect cover for a hardened terrorist?

Linebriated
Did you know who Jeremy Lin was this time last week? If you said “no,” you’ve got something in common with the New York Knickerbockers of Basketball. Suddenly, a kid who went to Harvard was given a chance to play, and the Knicks began winning games. Now everyone’s got “Linsanity” and other lazy terms. Not to be outdone, the New York Post came up with “Amasian.” That’s a funny one, because of his race, get it! He’s Asian-American! The NBA has never had a talented Asian player before. Somewhere in China, Yao Ming is crying.

Never get in a drinking contest with a fruit fly

Everyone knows that war can tear a man’s soul apart, sending him running for the bottle. But what about animals?

Todd Schlenke, an Emory University biologist, and his team of researchers discovered that at least one species of fruit fly self-medicates with booze. Drosophila melanogaster has been fighting its own war with tiny parasitic wasps for so long that it will intentionally seek out fermenting rotten fruit whenever one believes it’s been infected.

In most cases, it works. Feeding on alcohol that’s often stronger per volume than beer induces fetal alcohol syndrome in their parasitic wasp larvae, causing the little bundles of terror to shoot their internal organs out of their anuses. Talk about rot-gut, knowwhatwemean? In fact, fly schnapps is so strong that even adult wasps “laid 60 percent fewer eggs, possibly because of the fumes wafting from the food.”

But, that was one species of wasp. Another, Leptopilina boulardi, is capable of drinking toe-to-toe with D. melanogaster. And they lose only 10 percent of their eggs to fly booze. This leads us to only one conclusion: if evolution is an actual thing, then it is creating the mother of all drunken bar fights over child custody.

Specialty crappy beer now being made SPECIFICALLY for beer pong

Perhaps it was made for the inexperienced beer pong player on the go. Maybe it’s made for people who have never played the game of beer pong before. No matter what the theory, a company has decided that the grueling process of having to acquire the multitude of components for beer pong (ping-pong balls, beer, plastic cups) needed to be put together into one convenient package.

Behold, Pong Beer.

Comprised of a 30 pack of light beer and two ping-pong balls (buying two 30 packs will earn you a free set of 2 more ping-pong balls and cups), Pong Beer is slowly being rolled out in the eastern states at first, but is slowly making its way across the country. Pong Beer claims that their alcohol product is made of the highest quality and most flavorful products. If that’s so, why is it being sold for the purposes of beer pong?

Aliens like Ike

Did you know that Dwight Eisenhower had a secret meeting with aliens while he was in office? A former aide said he did.

Timothy Good, an author and lecturer, said that Eisenhower and FBI officials set up the meeting through psychic messages, and eventually met at Holloman Air Force Base in New Mexico. On top of that, he said that many governments around the world have had contact with aliens for decades. Remember, this guy is apparently an academic, so he must be telling the truth.

If this guy isn’t just making it all up, we have some serious questions for world leaders. For example, if we have contact with aliens, why haven’t we killed them all by now?