The McBournie Minute: Drink like a president

As you may have heard already, today is President’s Day, well, actually it’s really just called Washington’s Birthday, even though George Washington was born on Feb. 22. It’s a strange holiday in a month filled with holidays we all know how to celebrate.

For Valentine’s Day, we buy flowers, or grumble about how much our sad, pathetic, lonely lives are. For Mardi Gras, we flash our boobs in exchange for plastic jewelry easily available for a dollar or two, thereby flashing people for so little that a stripper would be insulted. We have these holidays because February is probably the worst month ever. It’s cold, it’s mid-winter, and one can easily give up on life because of this.

So how the hell do we celebrate President’s Day? Drink like the Commander in Chief. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Drink like a president

Australian soccer team owner learns the obvious

Clive Palmer, an Australian mining magnate, owns a soccer (or football) team. Not only does he own a team, but he founded an expansion team in Football Federation Australia for the expressed purpose of owning one. And after watching game after lackluster game, week after stultifying week since 2008, he’s finally learned what Eriq La Salle already knew in Coming to America: soccer kinda blows.

“‘I don’t even like the game,’ Palmer told Brisbane’s Sunday Mail. ‘I think it’s a hopeless game.'”

Palmer’s comments come after yet another disappointing week in ticket sales in which only 1723 spectators showed up to watch Palmer’s Gold Coast United face the Adelaide United. Even if you disagree with his assessment, you know your sport lacks any spark of interest when teams can’t bother to come up with individual names.

Newest Highlander found in Sweden

Everyone thinks of Sweden in positive terms: IKEA, Swedish bikini teams, Malin Åkerman, etc. There’s now another aspect to add to that list: immortality.

A 45 year old man was apparently trapped in his car for two months. Why list him as a potential immortal? The upper limit on living without food is about one month. Now, there’s the possibility that his body went into a stasis of sort, putting himself into a self-imposed hibernation state, especially considering the temperature in the area had plummeted to 22 degrees below zero. But that’s a silly and farfetched idea. The most logical theory is that he’s a Highlander.

Considering I’m just a little under half his age, that must mean I’m nearly double the highlander he is. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a Scottish man badly pretending to be Spanish to find.

Emu terrorizes Vermont town

The Champlain Islands in Vermont are under threat. Citizens are nervous because of an escapee that has thwarted attempts at capture. The threat, of course, is a runaway emu, one of the deadliest flightless birds in the world.

The bird escaped a local emu farm several weeks ago and has been causing mass panic ever since, going so far as to taunt people outside their office windows. At one point, it was even outside an elementary school, probably looking to steal and each one of the children.

Right now, the people of South Hero, Vermont need a hero.