The Oscars are back! It’s the most glorious time of the year for liberal white America! We’ll take a look at a few of the upcoming awards and I’ll take a crack at trying to predict who’ll win what.
Hit the jump to see the predictions. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: Oscar picks 2012
The Guys are aware that it’s tough to remember things when drinking, which is why God invented underwear and Sharpies. Drunkards, write these down before you go out:
1. Always drink from a clean glass. Minnesota beer salesman and enthusiast (because it’s not a job if it’s a passion) Joe Falkowski would like you to know that some pint glass cleaning methods leave soap residue, which can ruin the taste of your beer. Soap residue prevents suds from getting a good grip, so remember: if your beer leaves streaks, the glass is clean. (Or, basically, the opposite of how you know you’ve wiped enough.)*
2. Never tap a minor, especially as your designated driver. If you’ve had a few and absolutely must get to the store, don’t be a Shawn Weimer. Yes, your kid is probably more sober than you are right now, but that’s not a judgment call on her part. This is still the person who still needs reminders not to climb furniture ladders and finds the latest Adam Sandler releases endlessly hilarious. In short: drunk you equals sober child.
Thank you, and be sure to always drink in numbers, because that’s where safety lies.
*Special thanks to longtime friend of the site, Groonk, for the link!
It was horrible. It was disgusting. It was demeaning to the hotness of the city. It was the great Giant African land snail invasion of Miami 2011. Molluscs nearly a foot in size had invaded, taking their oozing and slimy talents to South Beach. It would not stand.
And it didn’t.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to bring you news that the Battle of Little Big Shell may now be over. Recently, over 37 thousand spineless monsters have been captured and more are being discovered by the day. The brave warriors in Florida’s agriculture department have uncovered these abominations, helping to prevent valuable crops from being destroyed, house damage and the spread of rat lungworm.
God speed, you courageous men and women. Don’t let the invertebrates win.
No one likes skunks, and they know it. But they are still animals, which makes them our mortal enemies. Skunks are crafty creatures, that’s why it should come as no surprise that one attacked a Wal-Mart recently.
In Illinois, a skunk snuck into a Wal-Mart, and decided to hide in a soda machine, then play the waiting game. When its presence was discovered, the workers in the store did their best to get the animal out of the machine–by poking it with a stick. Obviously, that did not work out well. The creature eventually left the machine when trappers showed up, and hid in a second soda machine.
Eventually, it was caught and “released,” which we hope is a euphemism for “sent to his skunky maker.”
