Month: March 2012

You Missed It: Boys club edition

Women have come a long way. Just a few decades ago, they were barred from the Boston Marathon, then, when we figured out they can’t beat us, we let them run. Now, women are respected as equals to men, not simply objects. And today we celebrate taking women very seriously with National Cleavage Day. No really, the creator of the Wonderbra made it up, it’s mostly an English thing, but I think we can adapt it here in the U.S. If you were busy announcing Anchorman 2 this week, odds are you missed it.

The Green ceiling
Speaking of women and their being taken seriously, did you know that Augusta National Golf Club, home of the Masters PGA tournament, has a “no girls allowed” policy? The club been a sausage fest since day one, but there is now a push to let the ladies become members, as IBM CEO Ginni Rometty happens to be female, and her company happens to be the top sponsor of the tournament. This would be the biggest news since 1997, when they let a black guy in.

The Titanic dump
Titanic will resurface in theaters next week in 3-D, but the real-life wreck still sits at the bottom of the sea. However, it’s now also sitting in a sea of litter, too. Officials say that traffic at the wreck site since its discovery in 1985 has resulted in all sorts of litter being left, including beer cans and plastic cups. I think we are uncovering evidence of the world’s first beer pong game.

Half in the resealable bag
TSA agents are people, too. We find it so easy to demonize them, but they’re really just like the rest of us, as two agents in a Florida hotel proved recently. Police were called to the scene after complaints were made. Officials say they found the two TSA agents drunk, throwing things off the balcony, and shooting a gun into the air — just like we all do on a business trip.

Once an astronaut, always an astronaut?

The Sacramento Superior Court ruled Thursday that Jose Hernandez, a former NASA astronaut who served for two weeks aboard the International Space Station, can list himself as an astronaut on California’s primary election ballot. His occupation listing was challenged by “a Sacramento law firm with ties to top state Republicans,” who maintain that since Hernandez hasn’t been in space or NASA since January 2011, that being a rocket man is no longer his primary occupation.

Considering that only 327 Americans have gone into space since 1961 — and because he is probably a carrier of Space Madness (which we’ve previously warned about) — we’re pretty sure he’s considered an astronaut for the rest of his life. Besides, check out his Wikipedia page: Jose Hernandez (astronaut).

After all, once we sell this site to a Czech communal comedy farm, we’re still going to list ourselves as Guys.

Creationists officially become my new enemies of the week

Ho-boy, creationists just became the top of Chris Taylor’s Poop List. New York City’s Department of Education has announced words that it may ban in all standardized testing for its schools. Two examples are “birthday” and “Halloween,” and don’t get me wrong, those are big words to ban, especially because of potentially offending religions.

But there’s another word that’s being bandied about as being banned and that is an action that cannot be condoned: dinosaur.

EVERY SINGLE BOY BETWEEN THE AGES OF 4 AND 58 LOVES DINOSAURS. Dinosaurs were the most amazing creatures ever as a child. To ban their use, simply to not offend creationists, a form of religion that science has proven to be stupid, is offensive to me.

Make the smart move NYDoE: don’t ban the dinosaur.

Swan on the attack

In the U.K. one swan is taking on anything that comes in his path.

Tyson the swan (apparently they name their swans over there) is terrorizing a two-mile section of the country’s largest canal, swooping in and attacking people in canoes and kayaks. We hear than guns are illegal in the U.K., so unfortunately, this bird’s bullying may be tolerated for some time.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Sharktopus’

This year’s round of March Morts nearly killed me. I mean, seriously, I’ve been made privy to some incredibly bad movies. That’s why closing out the month with this film is actually a bit of a surprise as it’s actually enjoyable. Oh Sharktopus, we need you more often in our life.

If the concept of a movie about a shark-octopus hybrid doesn’t make you smile, then may I respectfully suggest you get your head examined. Sharktopus is the stuff of B-movie heaven, this despite it originating as a SyFy channel product. GASP! It helps that yes, I have taken a look at it at an earlier time, but this look will be a little more in-depth. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Sharktopus’

Nature is terrifying, y’all

If Land of the Lost taught us anything, it’s that we should be grateful for living in a world where we don’t have to rely on larger dinosaurs to counterattack the pterodactyls that are trying to kill us.

… Or do we?

Robert Briggs claims he was minding his business, spying on a mother bear and her cubs, when a mountain lion ambushed him from behind. The big cat grabbed him by the backpack (presumably aiming for his head), and attempted to maul Briggs as he attacked back with a rock pick. The mother bear swatted the lion off and then fought it until the bushwhacker ran away.

While the rest of the story is unclear — despite what the rest of the story in the link says — we are confident that Briggs married his heroine and raised her cubs as his own.

Nature continues with super pisces

Last year, I gave a quick glance at a movie called “Frankenfish.” It’s a fun little film but completely fictional. Little did I know that it would actually be a near-documentary.

About 10, maybe 15 years ago, I can remember hearing about snakeheads, an invasive predator that somehow made it into the DC-Maryland area ecosystem. Times have not changed the situation except for the worse. They’re now being found in Pennsylvania and Delaware. Nicknamed as frankenfish, seemingly because of their near patchwork make-up and their willingness to throw a young girl into a lake at a moment’s notice, these little monsters are on the loose … again.

  • They’re strong survivors
  • They’re resilient, ruthless and murderous
  • They have no fear of humans
  • They can adapt

It’s clear that we need to eradicate them. Who’s to say that after they’ve wiped out entire ecosystems, they don’t adapt and evolve legs? It’s a perfectly reasonable assumption to make. The best plan is to blow them all out of the water. If other animals get caught in that crossfire, more’s the better.

Billiards: Playing with your life

It’s Thursday, you may have plans for happy hour, and as part of those happy hour plans you might go to a bar, and in that bar there might be a pool table, so you might be tempted to play pool. The Guys are here to tell you: that’s a bad idea.

Pool is known around the world as one of the most dangerous games ever, and one English man can back it up. A man slipped an accidentally cut his eye socket with a pool cue, he got stitched up and had no eye damage, but he couldn’t open his eye correctly for some reason. Weeks later, doctors figured out that he had the tip of the cue lodged in his brain. A team of surgeons were able to remove it, but they also remove part of his skull and then rebuild his nose and brow.

You’ve been warned.

Take it from Snee: Playing god on a budget

While some of us may have been born into wealth and power, and even fewer of us may claw our way up the ladder to it, the rest of us have to get by with what little material success we’ve scraped together. So, how does one feel better about their station? By applying their arbitrary rules to some self-made underling, usually children.

But, children are expensive. They eat, they break things and they refuse to get a job to pay for either. And of those who do work? Even renting children as actors costs millions of dollars once they get their SAG card.

That’s why I’ve come up with this list of non-children to homeschool into your own slightly-less-than-divine image. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Playing god on a budget