You Missed It: Short golden man edition

You may have noticed that You Missed It wasn’t here last week, did you miss it? I wasn’t able to post for the second half of last week because I had to travel for work. That’s right, work. No matter how glorious being a Guy might seem, it sure doesn’t pay the bills. We all have real jobs, for example, Chugs Taylor is an assassin-for-hire, whose whereabouts are largely unknown. But if you ever feel the need to support us, feel free to check out our merch. If you were busy calling a woman a slut this week, odds are you missed it.

I’ve got another one on the other side, too
The Oscars came and went on Sunday. It was pretty memorable for everyone who watched, because Sasha Baron Cohen caused a disruption or something, Billy Crystal proved he’s still alive by hosting,  and Angelina Jolie showed off her right leg. The latter seemed to get the most headlines, which is surprising, considering she wore the same dress from Mr. & Mrs. Smith.

Houston, we have a hacker
According to a report from its inspector general, NASA was hacked 13 times last year. In some attacks, the hackers reached mission-critical data. This was offered for the explanation as to why its Voyager I probe, now far beyond even Pluto, is sending messages offering aliens discount deals on Viagra.

Last train to Deadsville
On a sadder note, Davy Jones, actor, jockey and member of the Monkees, died this week at the age of 66. Most likely, he’ll be buried in the Monkeemobile.

T. Rex more dangerous than claymation previously indicated

If you’ve been planning a time travel jaunt to the Cretaceous period, don’t. And don’t let the Tyrannosaurus Rex’s comically short arms fool you: its mouth is capable of “between 7,868 and 12,814 pounds-force,” or “having a medium-size elephant sit on you.”

This already brings up a non-time travel warning, do not — for the love of god — let a medium-sized elephant sit on you. That’s like a bite from a T. Rex, which you would understand if you attempted time tra —

Oh, god. We’ve opened a time travel logic paradox. Sorry about your universe. We just wanted you to be safe.

Today … in (almost but not quite) racism

Mmmm-mmmm. Sure, they may not be great for you, but sometimes, a big plate of chicken tenders can just hit the spot. And despite the health concerns, even kids can have them every now and then. But at four schools for children in Methuen, Massachusetts, only white people are allowed to eat them.

Okay, not really, but thanks to a typing error, that’s almost how it became. The person in charge of typing up the school menus mistakenly typed an extra ‘K’ for the item ‘KK Chicken Tenders’ (which stands for Krispy and Krunchy Chicken Tenders), resulting in approximately 6500 students being offered the ‘KKK Chicken Tenders’ for lunch. The menus were then republished after the mistake was pointed, thus making them valuable collectors items and worth a large amount of Confed-a-Bux.

For future menus, maybe they should just be called chicken tenders, no extra adjectives given. Just in case.

Enemy of the Week: The Most Interesting Man in the World

Animals come in many different sizes, as we have found. Unfortunately, they also know how to hide their danger in their size. Luckily for the citizens of Washington County, Minnesota, one woman remains vigilant.

A hero, nameless in a journal of public record, called the police when she spotted a mountain prowling about in her neighborhood. Unable to take the beast down herself, she acted in the best interest of the community when she notified the authorities. Unfortunately, the cops are in on the great sham that there is no threat presented by wildlife.

The police officer, no doubt in an effort to make a mockery of her, wrote in his report that the mountain lion was really just “a very large house cat.” We have our theories.