Day: March 16, 2012

You Missed It: Jailbird George edition

St. Patrick’s Day always reminds me of New Year’s, especially when it falls on a weekend. All the amateur drinkers are out, in garb that would be considered racist on any other day, and drink themselves into oblivion, or as I call it, Saturday. Another close relative of St. Patrick’s Day is Cinco de Mayo. It’s not even an American holiday, but we never miss a chance to drink tequila and crappy Mexican beer. Why don’t we celebrate other nationalities the same way? If you were busy filling out your bracket this week, odds are you missed it.

Famous men in bracelets
What’s the latest trend in Hollywood? Getting arrested. This week, Russel Brand turned himself in to authorities after snatching and throwing a photographer’s iPhone. Never to be upstaged, George Clooney got himself arrested protesting outside the Sudanese Embassy in Washington, D.C. I’m just fine with Brand getting thrown in jail, but does anyone really think a jail cell can hold Clooney? No doubt this is part of a larger scheme, haven’t you seen the Ocean’s movies? You fools, he wants you to arrest him!

But that’s what the Internet is for
Rick Santorum, defender of the faith and Republican presidential candidate, pledged this week to crack down on the distribution of hardcore pornography if he is elected president. Santorum said that pornography helps spread misogyny. He then talked about how mothers should be encouraged not to join the workforce and women should have a less-significant role in the military, while expressing his opposition to abortion and access to birth control.

Urban jungle
Scientists have discovered a new frog species living on Staten Island in New York. Previously, it had been believed that the amphibians were members of the leopard frog family, but a closer look made the experts reconsider their conclusion, and they now believe it’s a new species altogether living in the polluted New York waters. The first clue was that the frogs have three eyes and smoke Marlboro reds.

Finally: a perk to insurance-covered birth control

If you’ve been on the fence about getting a vasectomy, would a free pizza help sway you?

Urology Associates of Cape Cod has a limited time offer for one free pizza if you get your vasectomy through them in March. The promotion is timed to coincide with the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament, a time which doctors from the Cleveland Clinic claim to see a 50 percent increase in vasectomies.

Other clinics across the nation are offering copies of Sports Illustrated, 3D glasses, T-shirts (“He got this vasectomy, and all I got was an empty pizza box”) and bags of frozen peas to the man who has it all disconnected from his balls.

They believe men intentionally choose March so they can get a few days off of work to watch the tournament, guilt-(and baby-)free.

The only drawback to this plan? You can only do it once.

Phone home, my disciple

We all know that there are people out there who find the face of Jesus or Mary in trees, toast and anything else that can make a random shape and is commonly found around the world. We’re not here to tell those people that they are crazy and should be stoned to death in accordance with the Bible, that’s their neighbors job. No, we’re not here to judge, Stephen Spielberg told us so.

Recently, a man in the U.K. was gathering some firewood, because apparently they don’t have the same March we’re having, and he found something, well, out of this world. (Sorry!) He found the image of our savior E.T. in a piece of a log. Of course, it is now being called E. Tree. Given that the U.K. recognizes Jedi as a religion, it’s only a matter of time before this is considered a relic.