You Missed It: Pullover edition

My bracket is shot. I know we’ve all been hearing that a lot lately, but I managed to keep hope alive until the current round. In my office pool, I’m tied for 34th in a pool of probably 50 brackets. So someone else in my office is going to win the money. That seems to be happening a lot to me lately. My coworker is on Jeopardy this week and has won twice already. She should buy us all drinks. If you were busy waiting in line for The Hunger Games this week, odds are you missed it.

The dangers of sweatshirts
Television show host and arbiter of the moustache Geraldo Rivera said this week that hoodies can get you killed. It was fashion that got Florida teen Trayvon Martin killed, not the paranoid and possibly racist neighborhood watch captain who shot him. A hoodie makes minority teens look like gangsters, and thus, a threat. Of course, if you’re white and you wear a hoodie, you just look like a college kid.

Pain in the neck
This week, the Denver Broncos signed Peyton Manning and traded Tim Tebow to the New York Jets. I’m sure Tebow is upset with the trade, but he will be good at playing the martyr. Though Denver wasn’t at the top of Manning’s list at first, John Elway talked him into it. You know how those horse-looking quarterbacks always stick together.

H20: The silent killer
Weeks ago, singer Whitney Houston died in a hotel bathroom. Coroners have finally told us that it was an accidental drowning. The tragic happening was helped by a heart condition and some cocaine in her system. She also had marijuana, Xanax, muscle relaxers and Benadryl in her system, but these didn’t contribute to her death. You know what did? Water. This is exactly why I don’t think it, and avoid it at parties.

Rise up and, like, seize the day, man

Speaking of hippies, the City of Los Angeles wasn’t satisfied after putting condoms on adult film actors. (To be fair, few are.) Now, they’re looking to shut down medical marijuana dispensaries.

But the hardworking pot dispensarians aren’t going to take this sitting down. Well, after a couple of bong hits, sitting’s the only option. The point is, they’re not going to take it, and that means — you probably guessed it — unionizing.

We predict this will turn out like Newsies, only the music will be terrible … er. More terrible.

Hippies are ruining our economy

No, this is not hyperbole (at least, we can assume Sageworks feels that way). According to early research, it seems that the more haircuts that take place, the stronger the economy grows. When people take time off from cutting their follicles, the economy tends to plummet.

As we all know, hippies are the long-haired arch-nemesis of the haircut (and myself. And Bryan McBournie). We now have conclusive proof of the damage that they bring. Don’t be a hippie. Support your nation and get your ears lowered. You wouldn’t want to be unpatriotic, right Ryan (I say to my younger brother)?

Streets safe again after chicken arrested

Police in Wisconsin have arrested a chicken after it was caught crossing the road.

There, got that one out of the ol’ system. If you’re missing a chicken, and you live in Wisconsin, the Manitowoc Police Department would like to contact you. A chicken was reported going free-range in town and taken into custody by authorities. We can only assume there will be a delicious execution soon.