The McBournie Minute: That old trick

April Fools’ Day is one of the worst days on the calendar, especially for your respectable sources of snarky humor, The Guys. As noted earlier, we’re not fans of the day. The chief problem here is the Internet. That’s right, you’re about to get one of those “Bryan rants about the Internet” columns today.

The most popular theory as to where this holiday came from is the shifting of New Year’s Day from April 1 back to January 1 sometime in the 1500s, after that, we all thought it was a great time to make our friends feel really dumb. In 1698, a great prank was played on English citizens when they were sold tickets to the annual “washing of the lions” at the Tower of London. The only thing was, there was no such event, and the ticket holders were out of the cash they paid. Man, British humor was great even back then.

But today, it just sucks for all of us. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: That old trick

April Fools asholeroid

Is it April 2 yet? OK, good.

Every year, The Guys hunker down for 24 hours every April 1 to avoid what is the most annoying day in the world. Entire Web sites become unusable, whoopie cushions are on every chair and all the news is (more) unreliable at best.

And this year? It turns out we were right to take shelter in our bunker — which contains our servers and vintage erotica — because an asteroid got in on the “fun” by making an unpermitted flyby yesterday.

The war bodes well for us

My friends, things are going well for us.

In Smithfield, Virginia, a show dog was recently bitten by a snake. Now, I know and you know that show dogs aren’t exactly the warriors that we would expect to fight on the battle-lines of war, nor do I think we would. They’re not fighting material, but they are propaganda machines. Think Captain America in the Marvel movie universe when he’s on stage punching theater-Hitler. That’s why this is great news for us. One of our enemy’s stars has been attacked by a rogue member of their forces? How can you possibly spin that in a positive way?

We don’t need to sit on our laurels, but frankly, it’s things are looking good at the moment.

Bad luck strikes

We’re sure you’ve all heard about the record-setting Mega Millions lottery jackpot last week, what you may not have heard is that you can jinx yourself.

Shortly after buying three lottery tickets, a Kansas man said, “I’ve got a better chance of getting struck by lightning” than winning the lottery. Storms rolled in a few hours later, and, say it with us, the man was struck by lightning. That’s the unlucky part. The lucky part is that while he didn’t win the lottery, he didn’t have any burns or serious injuries as a result of the lightning strike.

The Guys have a better chance of winning the lottery than getting struck by lightning.