Day: April 3, 2012

Eat My Sports: Won and done

Everyone needs to stop hating on John Calipari. The man who has perfected the new era of college basketball finally won his first NCAA championship, and all anyone can talk about is Calipari’s alleged abuse of the one and done rule.

First off, the rule that forces kids to go to at least one year of college is a NBA rule, not NCAA. Secondly, should we really be hating on someone whose job is to win, so he wins within the rules the game allows?

Despite a lackluster tournament, Calipari has laid out the blueprint on how to win in the new NCAA. Get kids who are NBA ready to give you one year, promise them nationally televised games and at least a Final Four appearance, voila, you have a threat in the tournament. People giving Calipari grief are ignoring the fact that the NBA has ruined college basketball, not its latest college champion.

Government groping for the perv on a budget

Have you been wishing for a more intimate relationship with a government official, but can’t afford to fly all the time? The U.S. Supreme Court has your kink covered: get arrested for anything.

A 5-4 ruling on Monday has determined that “officials may strip-search people arrested for any offense, however minor, before admitting them to jails even if the officials have no reason to suspect the presence of contraband.” So, whether you’re in for an unpaid parking ticket, which the case was about (and it was later determined that, yes, it had been paid) or for violating a leash law, you, too, can get your junk ogled by a man — or woman — in uniform.

And it’s about time, too, because we’ve been wondering who we have to kill for this kind of service.

V.I.P.O.W.s

Alligator snapping turtle. American alligators. Burmese pythons of increasing length. Some might call these fearsome warriors in the war against animals. Others might call them incredibly formidable foes.

In Bridgeport, Connecticut, they’re called prisoners of war.

Take that nature.

They want us to fight each other

In the War on Animals, telling friend from foe is crucial. That’s why you should never dress like the enemy.

A Colorado man was sick of a bird harassing his cats, as birds are known to do. So when he saw the bird, red plumage and all, sitting on top of a hill about 90 feet away, he grabbed his gun and aimed to scare. Now, Derrill Rockwell, 49, will serve five months probation after grazing the head of a girl with a red mohawk.

The victim is doing fine, apparently, and don’t feel too bad for her, some methamphetamine was found near her, so it’s likely she never felt a thing.