If pandas can’t get laid, what chance do we got?

After years of trying to get pandas to get it on in captivity to mixed results, researchers believe they’ve found the problem: female panda bears are only in the mood one to three days a year.

To cope, male pandas’ testes go into hibernation until the four month mating period. At that point, they go sex nuts and, in the wild, traverse over great distances to hopefully reach a female before she changes her mind. The male can then instantly sense if she’s consenting, and, if she’s not, will hold off advances until he gets a “yes.”

If The Guys could offer a suggestion to the male, it might not be that she’s not into sex, but just disappointed in what showed up. (You, for instance.) Sometimes, you have to woo a lady, show that while you may not be a strapping grizzly she normally goes for, you’ve got qualities that she never knew she wanted. Also, nobody ever went wrong with Al Green.

How dare they cause them to parent!

Ice cream trucks are full of hope and delight. Oh sure, the music can grate after a while, but 85 percent of the time, it’s filled with frozen novelties and milk-based delicious treats, as opposed to the 15 percent that’s filled with pedophiles.

Except for parents in Brooklyn. You see, for them, ice cream trucks are nothing but a horrendous menace. Is it because they cost too much? No. Are they causing their kids to become overweight? No. Is it because when the parents have to tell their children no to the ice cream truck, the offspring proceed to throw a tantrum, thus causing the parents to have to actually parent?

*Sigh* Yes. Yes it is.

Dogs don’t care about golf

Most of us have pets, but the smartest of us know never to turn our backs on them, because though domesticated, they are still a threat to our safety. They also have greater opportunity to ruin our lives.

One pet dog attempted to ruin his owner’s world with the old “eating something important” trick. Only it wasn’t homework. It wasn’t even the car keys. It was four tickets to a practice round of the Masters PGA tournament. What the dog didn’t know was that his master would go to the Masters at all costs. The man gave his dog something to make him throw them back up, then he sifted through the puke and pieced together what was left of the tickets. He then sent pictures to Augusta National Golf Club, who re-issued the tickets.

Sometimes all it takes to win a battle is to not give in.