Eat My Sports: A Titanic load of crap

As mentioned already by Bryan McBournie, this week marks the 100th anniversary of the sinking of Titanic. Or, as I like to call it, the greatest upset in sports’ history (I had to have this tie in somehow)! The odds were against the iceberg, nothing could stop the unsinkable ship, that is until the iceberg, in a stunning last-minute comeback, found the Titanic’s Achilles’s heal. Now, like all great sports stories, naturally there had to be a movie made about this historic defeat. Enter James Cameron. Now, all I’m all for artistic license, but Cameron and his group of miscreant actors went to far.

Let me explain.

First off, let it be said that I actually like the film Titanic. I was 15 when that movie came out, and when you’re dependent on your parents driving you and your girlfriend everywhere, a three-hour make-out session at the local movie theater was an effective escape that bought you the most time. High-school relationships aside, the movie doesn’t lag, it’s fairly compelling, and you get to see Leonardo Di Caprio freeze to death in the Mid-Atlantic. But here is where Cameron made the Titanic’s bout with ice historically inaccurate. Continue reading Eat My Sports: A Titanic load of crap

More loose cannon kids on the beat

Suggested listening while reading:

Wuitschick! And you, Undercover Kindergartener! In our office! Shut the door behind you!

Wuitschick, are we to understand that you temporally took the wheel of a bus when you are clearly 13-years-old and don’t even have a learner’s permit!? You might have some pull with the deputy schools superintendent, the chief of police and the Los Angeles Times, but if we catch you even smelling a gas pedal, we’ll bust you back to crossing guard so fast that you’ll think Dennis Hopper rigged the order to explode. We don’t care if the driver was having a heart attack!

And you, Undercover Kindergartner! We’ve got the D.A. and Internal Affairs snooping around to see if you planted evidence on your stepdad. Heroin at show-and-tell? That’s the oldest trick in the book. You’re getting sloppy, U.K., and one of these days, you’re gonna screw up so bad that there won’t be enough butterflies to counteract the s@#tstorm that will come of it!

(It’s the butterfly theory. You see, every major storm system begins with the fla — you know what? Ask your teacher. That is if you haven’t busted her in a student sex sting.)

Maybe it was a mistake for The Guys to create a police force consisting entirely of children. God knows we don’t get much sleep thinking about what you reckless loose cannons have been doing out there, masquerading as justice. But, dammit … we can’t argue with your results. Get back out there, and if you see Johnson and Cotton, send them in.

After midnight in Paris

No one really likes the noise of a city, yet millions of people around the world deal with it every single day. Paris can be noisy, but the mayor has had enough of it. He’s found a decidedly French way to deal with the problem.

He’s launching squads of mimes throughout the city. The mimes are going to terrify remind late-night revelers that others may not appreciate all of the sound that they are creating. We don’t think this is a good idea. If The Guys staggered out of a bar, only to be confronted with a gang of mimes, we’d solve that problem the American way, with violence.