Day: April 12, 2012

Movies I’ve Sneen: ‘John Carter’

Our resident movie reviewer, Chugs, is out this week, presumably getting bombarded with gamma radiation to prepare for the upcoming release of Marvel’s The Avengers in May. In the meantime, I’m filling in with a review of John Carter from my own site. You can read this review and others at Rick-Snee.com.

I had to take a couple of extra days to decide what I thought of Disney’s John Carter. On the one hand, I’m such a big fan of the books that scrounging up my nerd love for a couple of No-Prizes shouldn’t be tough. On the other, there’s the culprit that doomed this movie right there in the title: Disney’s.

Unlike the possessive title of “Tyler Perry’s,” Disney-branding isn’t necessarily a death sentence. But, how does anybody in the mouse-shaped office think that they could give “Conan on Mars” its best shake in a PG-13 environment?

The answer they settled upon in this office I’ve just invented was to take elements from Edgar Rice Burrough’s novels, put them on tiles, and mix ’em up Scrabble-style until they fit all the double word score boxes. Or, to put it more simply: as formulaically as possible to hit all the summer family blockbuster buttons.

That’s not to say John Carter is bad, just … disappointing. Continue reading Movies I’ve Sneen: ‘John Carter’

Time Travel: The new weapon in the War on Animals?

The Guys have long advocated a ban on time travel research, but we also really hate animals. Especially the ones with “killer” in their names: killer whales, false killer whales (who aren’t fooling anybody) and definitely killer bees.

The latter is what has us reconsidering our stance on time travel, so long as it remains solely in the hands of the military for animal fighting purposes. A hive of partially Africanized honeybees was found in east Tennessee, the first ever found in the state. The bees were only 17 percent Africanized, yet poured out of their hive to sting their beekeeper through his protective suit 30 times. He was only able to escape by hopping into his car and driving for five minutes before the bees ended their pursuit.

State officials were able to wipe out the colony with a little duct tape, elbow grease and ether, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t more out there. Perhaps with time travel we can travel back to 1957 and b&$chslap Warwick Estevam Kerr before he could unleash his unholy menace upon us.

Escape to L.A.

It’s spring time, and that means it’s time to get assaulted with two things: pollen and animals we hoped were vanquished by the winter.

In Los Angeles, a man learned the hard way that texting and walking is not only rude, but it could get you killed. Reports of a black bear on the loose prompted a news helicopter to take to the air and track down the beast (it’s L.A., the only journalism they do is airborne). The chopper captured a man walking out of his house, looking at his phone, only to be faced with a bear. He turns and runs (which is experts don’t recommend), and somehow makes it out alive.

The bear was apprehended and brought in for questioning.